One month

To my darling daughter,

You are one month old today (yesterday).  I am holding it together better than I thought I would, but have had to swallow a few lumps in my throat and dry a few tears.  Time has never gone by more swiftly, Mabel Grace, and you have completely stolen my heart (and certainly, your daddy's).  To say I am thankful, blessed, or overwhelmed (with love) would be an enormous understatement.  You have brought so much joy to us in the last thirty one days.  We love you tremendously and want you to know that there is nothing you could do that would fade our love for you.  Nothing.

We've enjoyed learning about you this last month and look forward to getting to know you better as the days, months, and years go by.  You are just a little doll and have a sugar-sweet disposition.  From day one, you've shown that you will probably be a determined little soul.  I had you up on my shoulder at the hospital the day after you were born and you were lifting up your head and looking around like a little champ.

When you are waking up, working your way into a deep sleep, trying to wiggle in your car seat, or when you are stretching, you grunt and it sounds like a little goose or goat.  We laugh every time, and I've learned that you are not necessarily awake if I hear those sounds at night.  With the exception of only a few nights, you've understood daytime and nighttime from day one.  We are sooo thankful.

There are some things I want to remember about you:

- You LOVE to stretch.  As soon as we unswaddle you, and take your legs out of your sleeper to change your diaper, you're legs shoot straight out and your arms, straight up.  Your quads that are already pretty defined - I assume from when you were stretching out your legs in the womb.
- The grin that crosses your face when you are just about to fall asleep might be one of the sweetest things.
- You enjoy being sung to, and read to.  You're eyes go back and forth, back and forth, from one page to the next when I have the book in front of you.
- I've never prayed more in my life than I have this last month.  I love to pray over you, and with you, for the concerns/praises of others.
- At night when you are feeding, I love to rub your precious little fuzzy head.  You have this wispy hair that is longest on top and in the back by your neck

I look forward to watching you grow, Mabel, and love being your mama.  Your daddy has told you many, many times how excited he is to take your camping.  Although I look forward to the day when you are old enough for that to happen, I am soaking in these days when you are little and I can cuddle you all day and you have nothing on your agenda other than to eat, sleep, and look around.

We love you so much, sweetheart.  Happy one month birthday!

Ps.  You spent your day growing and therefore were extremely sleepy.  Your daddy wanted to spend time with you when he got home so he took you out to his truck because he needed to clean it out.  I spy a little babe in the backseat!

Bloglovin

Apparently Google Reader is going out of style and won't work anymore?  That's how I like to keep track of the blogs I follow, but now I'll be switching to Bloglovin, you can follow me there (if I ever write regularly again!)

Overheard in an Orchard

Said the Robin to the Sparrow;

"I should really like to know

Why these anxious human beings

Rush about and worry so?"

Said the Sparrow to the Robin;

"Friend, I think that it must be

That they have no Heavenly Father

Such as cares for you and me."

-Elizabeth Cheyney

Oh, but we do!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Philippeans 4:6

I've posted this song before, but I think it is time for a re-visit :)

Nothing I Hold On To

I lean not on my own understanding

My life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven

I lean not on my own understanding

My life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven



Happy Birthday to this stud muffin!

Today is my hardworking, humble, kind, gentle, strong, courageous, baby-loving, hunky husband's birthday.  I love you to the moon and back, my love.  Thank you for loving, providing, and caring for our family.  You make my heart swell with more love than I can handle.

Happy Birthday!

One Year

Sweetest baby boy,

I've tried to go to sleep tonight, but I just can't stop thinking about how in less than two hours, it will have been a year since I got to meet you, and then another hour until we said goodbye.  My arms feel especially empty tonight.

Man, little buddy, I never knew love could hurt so much.  I've tried to wrap my head around what this day would hold, as I've been anticipating it for weeks.  It brings me so much joy, and so, so much heartache, to remember this night one year ago.

I remember my first contractions when I was on a walk around French Park while your daddy was painting at nana and papi's.  I didn't really think you were coming, but it was a new kind of pain that made me wonder what was going on.  That night, I tossed and turned with contractions and thought MAYBE this was it, but you weren't ready yet.

Daddy and I walked, and walked, and walked that Sunday trying to speed up my labor so we could finally hold you.  You still didn't come, but kept mama up all night again with more contractions and that's when I knew it would be soon.  Monday, we both took the day off of work, only to find out later that a vast army of prayer warriors met at school to pray for us.  We are so blessed, Matthew.

We walked more on Monday, around Lake Harriet, and then to the Galleria where I tried really hard not to let on to the other shoppers that I was well in to labor.  We found out just an hour later that I was already dilated to 6 cm but decided to wait to go to the hospital.

You came a handful of hours after we arrived at the hospital, and I was so surprised you were a BOY!  Of course you were a boy, though.  My little warrior.  You are such a fighter, son.  I will never, ever forget the incredible amount of joy we experienced when we got to hold you in our arms.  Your skin was so sweet and soft and your cutest little squished nose melted my heart.  You had blonde hair and were just the most handsome little man.  I couldn't stop smiling, and daddy wept (I did my fair share of that later).

You had a whole waiting room full of visitors anxiously waiting to meet you.  I sang to you while the nurse went to get them and then everyone cuddled you.  We're not exactly sure when you let go and entered Heaven's gates, but you can be sure you were covered with love in that moment.

We miss you terribly, son.  Your first birthday will probably be the most painful.  I wish it weren't already a year since I got to cuddle with you, but I suppose it is a year closer to the day we see you again.

Your new little brother or sister is about 6 months along now, and you can be sure that we will tell them all about your life and the way God used it to draw others to Him.  We're so proud of you, little buddy.

Happy birthday, Matthew!  I love you with all my heart.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for The Lord has been good to you.

Psalm 116:7

My cup....

Overflows.

Ryan and I are extremely full of joy, tears, thankfulness, and wonder as we announce that we are expecting a tiny addition to our family.

Due to arrive August 3rd, 2013.

We had an ultrasound today and saw it's little arms and legs move, both sides of its brain, its spine, umbilical cord, tiny profile, and beating heart (167 bmp).

What a miracle.

We are humbled that God has chosen us to love and care for this little soul.  Thank you to the multitudes of you that have prayed for our family.  We are so thankful for the love you've showered on us.

Under Bethlehem's Sky

Oh, what a glorious night it must have been....thank you, Jesus.

Dry your eyes the King has come 

Death has lost and victory won

You were born to change it all

A warrior though frail and small

Just a baby

sleeping in a manger 

All the world was waiting for You to come 

Holy, Holy, Silent night

Peace has come to all mankind

All of this with me in mind

Under Bethlehem skies

Oh the role you came to play

Born to give your life away

Soon you'll set the captives free

But tonight's about your welcoming 

Oh listen 

Hear the angels singing 

Glory in the highest, the Lord has come

Old Rugged Cross

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
The emblem of suff’ring and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain.

So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

 

Oh, that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,
Has a wondrous attraction for me;
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary.

 

In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.

 

To the old rugged cross I will ever be true;
Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
Where His glory forever I’ll share.

 

 

 

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus, our Lord.

Romans 6:23

Listen to this killer song...

My friend, Jessica, just sent me this song.  It's sweet, so I thought I'd share it.

By the way, doesn't this guy hold his guitar cool??? 

Well I feel a warm wind blowin'
Melting all the sadness off of my soul
and I smell the sweet cherry blossoms
pouring all their gladness, into my soul

In winter I believe you
In springtime I see you
It's so good to be with you
my hope has come
Lord you make all things new
Your love is my breakthrough
Now I sing Hallelujah
my hope has come

Well I've walked through the valley of the shadow
And I have been tested like silver and gold
Lord your faith has taught me to cherish
that this light affliction is not my home

I'm not gonna give in to this mortal frustration
And I'm not gonna give death any standing ovation
I will lift my soul God, with no hesitation
because between you and be there's no separation

Choices

As life continues to throw curve balls at Ryan and I, we are tempted to begin believing that God is just plain mean.  That he is against us and that our life is a joke. 

This week our hearts were heavy with pain and questioning and as Ryan and I wrestled with God, and as I said "God, I'm not sure how much more I can take, I need something from you....a glimpse of your heart", God did just that.

During my drive home one day, I was reminded of a story I read in the book, The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom (a must-read).  She and her father were riding a train one day and she asked her father a question:
"Father, what is sexsin?"
He turned to look at me (Corrie), as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case off the floor and set it on the floor.
Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?" he said.
I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.
It's too heavy," I said.
Yes," he said, "and it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”

I mulled over this story and the turbulence in my heart began to calm as I thought of my heavenly Father, in heaven, working out all things in my life for good (He promises this to those who love him).  I pictured him, with tears in his eyes and pain in his own heart, whispering "I love you...I love you...I love you" as he allows what he knows hurts me to the core.  He knows what I do not and can see what I cannot.

I told Ryan that I imagined a parent saying no to their child asking to do something that they really wanted to do.  The child doesn't see any reason why their parents are saying no.  The parent is saying no because they know something the child doesn't (a surprise party!).   The child could grow bitter, or trust their parent's heart toward them. 

I said to Ryan, "I would be pretty embarrassed if I were that child and I had grown bitter and then showed up to an amazing party."

So, we're choosing to trust that God is withholding from us because he has something better in mind.  Although our hearts are heavy and burdened, our joy cannot be taken away.

3. 2. 1.

3.

Ryan and I celebrated our three year anniversary last week.  I cannot put into words what an amazing husband and friend Ryan has been to me.  I am so so thankful and blessed.  We're looking forward to our fourth year!

2.

We now have two sweet babies in heaven.  A few weeks ago our second baby was whisked away early in our pregnancy.  Our hearts were broken. 

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."  C.S. Lewis

Do you ever feel like that, believer?  I find myself almost afraid to ask God for the desires of my heart because I'm afraid of more pain...more disappointment.  These verses help me:

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."  1 Corinthians 13:12

 

"Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy."  Psalm 126:5

We're looking forward to our "shouts of joy".  Most days I am doing pretty good, but I have moments that it just plain hurts and then a few minutes later I'll be totally fine again.

I imagine the day that I get to hold my sweet babies and cuddle them longer than they would ever want.  Sometimes I look in my rearview mirror while I'm driving and wish I had two little carseats back there with my babies in them.  I told Ryan that we better not loose any more babies because I can't fit anymore imaginary carseats in my car.  :)

God is working on my heart.  It is softening and my faith is growing.  I know God loves me and is for me.

"See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not percieve it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:19

My sweet friend, Katie, recommended a book to me (that I now recommend to you!).  It is called Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman.  Her husband is Steven Curtis Chapman, and they lost their little girl, Maria, after she accidentally got hit by a car.  She's very real, very honest, and very insightful on dealing with heartache.  If you are going through something really hard, take a couple nights and read through this book.  I think it will encourage you.

1.

We are already almost one month into school!  I am completely exhausted at the end of every day (I teach first grade), but I usually come home with some great stories for Ryan.  Right now we're working on NOT getting stuck inside our lockers.  I also taught the kids that the earth orbits the sun once every year.  I asked them how many times they have orbited the sun in their life (six or seven), then I asked them how many times they thought I have orbited the sun in my life.  "EIGHTY!!!" was the first thing someone guessed.

I am not eighty...yet.

It is well with my soul.

Ryan and I visited some sweet friends and their little girl this weekend, and while visiting their church on Sunday, I was incredibly touched by a video that was played that told the story of the man who wrote the old hymn, "It is well with my soul". 

So I wanted to share it with you...

If you are in the midst of a trial, a burden, something painful and hard to understand, a situation beyond what you can handle, or even if your life is going just as you planned, I think you'll be moved by this story.  I hope that it encourages you to press deeper into the shelter of God's love and grace.

I couldn't locate the actual video I saw, but this one will do the trick.

Fingerprint

Before Matthew was born, I found this picture of a necklace made of a baby's fingerprint and my heart was sold on having one made with Matthew's fingerprint.

We found a jeweler and they told us to get some non-drying clay (Sculpy) and get his print after he was born.  They would cast a mold from the clay and made the pendant out of gold. 

Matthews little fingers were so so tiny that no one would ever know that my pendant is of a fingerprint, but it is so so precious and I can't wait to wear it every day when it is done next week (picture of my necklace to come).

Here is a picture of Ry trying to get his fingerprint.  Focused.

3

Today is my little honey bun's three-month birthday.  Happy birthday, son!  Your daddy and I love you so much and can't wait to cuddle you again.  We are still completely enamored by you!

God continues to amaze us by extending more grace and peace to us than is comprehensible.  All glory to God for the way we have been able to walk through this past year without falling apart.  Without Him, we would be a wreck, full of pain and fear of loosing another child in the future.

Ryan and I were reflecting on my pregnancy with Matthew yesterday.  My first craving was chocolate donuts, then Chipotle, then hard boiled eggs.  Eventually, it was all protien and fruit.  All I wanted was meat (and a side of grapes). 

I was remembering the first time I felt Matthew move.  I was 17 weeks pregnant (exactly) and sitting at my desk as the sun was rising.  I felt this bubbly/popcorn-popping feeling and nearly jumped off my chair.   I walked around and felt it again and my heart swelled when I realized that I was probably feeling our sweet baby move (something that doctors didn't know if I would ever experience).  Our God is able.

I think it was February when we went cross country skiing up north with Ryan's family.  By this time, Matthew's head had been lodged in my pelvis for weeks.  It was pretty painful, but I was still able to do most things.  I skiied for a while and the pain became fairly intense.  By the end of the run, I was nearly in tears and had a hard time walking/sitting/standing.  I was in so much pain, I told Ryan that I thought he needed to shake me upside-down to try and loosen Matthew's head from my pelvis.  I was joking, but Ryan said we should try.  So (and I'm not joking), Ry picked me up by my ankles and shook me.  We were laughing so hard, he probably almost dropped me.  It didn't work, but it was a great memory...

Sometimes I get the question, "Was it hard to be pregnant for so long knowing your baby was going to die?"  Yes.  There were times when I wished God would just take our baby home sooner rather than later, but I am so thankful he didn't.  I cherish the time we had and am sooo thankful we got to meet Matthew alive. 

We know he is whole now, and without pain or deformity.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

As unrelated as it is, every time I hear this song, it makes me think of Matthew.  Most days my heart doesn't ache - I just miss him and can't wait to see him again, but my hearts been a little achy lately.  I was laying on my couch yesterday (because I have this weird bug that I just can't kick) and I had a dejavu moment of when the nurse put Matthew on my chest after he was born.  That's where I wish he was today (and every day).  Sometimes it just kind of stinks that he's not here anymore.  I'll never be over him...

On another note, Ry and I are headed up to the lake this weekend to see a whole bunch of extended family, including his family from Norway!  We're pumped.

Treasure

A few weeks ago, I turned on the radio and the chorus of the current song was playing..."You are my treasure...Your love lasts forever..." The melody and lyrics were stuck in my head all day and I kept reminding myself to look up the song when I got home, but forgot.

Yesterday, I heard the song again and remembered this morning that I was going to try to find it.  I couldn't remember the chorus, but one of the other lines that stuck out to me, "They cannot take what I've already laid down at Jesus feet."  Those words resonated with me as that is exactly how I feel most days....there is no one, and nothing, that can take away the joy, hope, and peace that I've found in laying down all that I have at the feet of Jesus. 

When I looked the lyrics up this morning, I came across this video and shook my head in wonder when I found out that this song was written in response to this artist finding out that his son had a life threatening complication...just like sweet, handsome Matthew.

And the rest of the song...

May

Ryan and Dad celebrating their birthdays...they love eachother...

Ryan and Braydon ROCKED the Twin Cities Tough Mudder

...and qualified for the World's Toughest Mudder!

Ryan has a new apprentice.  Hudson LOVES tools...

The staff at my school gave Ryan and I a gift of a weekend at the Ann Bean Mansion in Stillwater.  It was sooooo beautiful and relaxing!  Thank you so much.

We had a little tower in our room where we had breakfast one morning.

On Friday night, we went to get ice cream at a local favorite.  This is the KID'S cup!!  We shared and still didn't finish. 

One of the amazing breakfasts.

Ryan loves dipping bread in oil and vinegar.

May has been a wonderful month.  Today is my last day of work until the fall!  Happy Summer!

Hallelujah!!!!!!!

We got the final chromosomal test results today and...


normal. normal. normal. normal. normal!!!


This does not mean that there is no risk that we could have another baby with abnormalities like little Matthew, but it does mean that it is very unlikely - that it was just a "fluke" (in medical terms).

I don't believe in flukes, but believe that God allowed everything in Matthew's short life for a reason, and know his life was not an accident or a mistake.  I know it could happen again if God allowed, but I have a peace about the future. 

We are rejoicing today!  Thank you for your prayers.

Come and listen

Heard this song on the way to work this morning when my music was turned way down.  As soon as I heard it come on, I turned up the radio....listen to these beautiful lyrics

My favorite line?  "Let me tell you what He has done for me...He has done for you...He has done for us."

Let me tell you what he has done for YOU, and he would have done only for you if you were the only person on earth.  Jesus came, lived a PERFECT life.  Why?  Becuase if he didn't, we would be separated from God forever.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  Romans 3:23

You.  Me.  Us.  For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  The bible teaches that there is no way to earn our way to heaven.  We're born sinners.  We're under a curse.  We are eternally separated from God.  That means everything good and pure, everything that brings joy and gives us hope, everything that puts a smile on our face and warms our heart.  It is all from God and we are separated from that.  We can't earn our way back.  There is no amount of good deeds, no amount of giving, no amount of times you can go to church that can get you back into a relationship with God. Nothing.

"For the wages of sin is death..." Romans 6:23

BUT....listen.  Jesus came and lived this perfect life.  The son of God came and he died.  Why?  He came so that we might have life in him.  How?  He paid the penalty of sin for us so that we can be right with God again.

"...but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus."  Romans 6:23

I don't understand it all.  I don't understand God's love or all the things in the bible.  I still have questions and want to know "why this", or "why that", but I can tell you that my life has been changed by this simple truth. 

"If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you shall be saved." Romans 10:9

I want this for each of you.  If you haven't yet, and you feel your heart stirring, surrender to God.  You don't need to wait until you have it all figured out.  Then start reading your bible.  Read Proverbs or start with one of the first four books of the New Testament.  God has a lot of really awesome things to say and teach you.  He loves you so much.

Sweetest birthday ever

Thank you, Laura, for the sweet note and celebration muffin!