As life continues to throw curve balls at Ryan and I, we are tempted to begin believing that God is just plain mean. That he is against us and that our life is a joke.
This week our hearts were heavy with pain and questioning and as Ryan and I wrestled with God, and as I said "God, I'm not sure how much more I can take, I need something from you....a glimpse of your heart", God did just that.
During my drive home one day, I was reminded of a story I read in the book,
The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom (a must-read). She and her father were riding a train one day and she asked her father a question:
"Father, what is sexsin?"
He turned to look at me (Corrie), as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case off the floor and set it on the floor.
Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?" he said.
I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.
It's too heavy," I said.
Yes," he said, "and it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”
I mulled over this story and the turbulence in my heart began to calm as I thought of my heavenly Father, in heaven, working out all things in my life for good (He promises this to those who love him). I pictured him, with tears in his eyes and pain in his own heart, whispering "I love you...I love you...I love you" as he allows what he knows hurts me to the core. He knows what I do not and can see what I cannot.
I told Ryan that I imagined a parent saying no to their child asking to do something that they really wanted to do. The child doesn't see any reason why their parents are saying no. The parent is saying no because they know something the child doesn't (a surprise party!). The child could grow bitter, or trust their parent's heart toward them.
I said to Ryan, "I would be pretty embarrassed if I were that child and I had grown bitter and then showed up to an amazing party."
So, we're choosing to trust that God is withholding from us because he has something better in mind. Although our hearts are heavy and burdened, our joy cannot be taken away.
