Keep praying

On Friday evening, I got a call from my midwife, who had the results of the second genetic test.  Matthew's blood and my placenta came back normal.  Again, I was shocked.  There is one more test that will be conducted.  It was just developed a couple years ago and it is some "micro-analysis", which I would assume means pretty detailed.  

Please keep praying that if Matthew ends up having any type of chromosomal abnormality, that it doesn't show up in Ryan or my blood.  Still struggling with fear...

Ryan and I had a good weekend.  A couple of dear friends from Wisconsin came to visit with their four-month-old son.  He is so squishy and wonderful.  I loved it.  It is therapy for my heart to be able to hold babies. 

We also drove around to look at houses!  We've been trying to figure out what we want to do for over a year (where to buy, what to buy, etc.) and we have a better idea now, so it's fun (and exhausting) to look more seriously.  Ryan is incredibly handy, so he wants a fixer-upper.  I love that idea, but we have found that "fixer-upper" means something different to both of us!  To him, he wants to be able to re-do almost everything.  I want a house that needs some new paint, carpet, windows, and landscaping.  Herein lies the problem :)  He's an incredible husband though, and I trust him. 

Speaking of my incredible husband, tomorrow is his birthday!!!  I'm so excited to celebrate him.  So, if you know him, and you wanted to, I know he'd be blessed if you wanted to call him, or send him a quick e-mail or text tomorrow to say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!".

Look at this stud...

The simple truth

One of my most beautiful, dearest, amazing friends, Katie, sent me Kari Jobe's CD last week.  She listened to a previous album throughout her pregnancy with her sweet daughter, and I listened to many of the songs from the current album during mine.

I was reading her acknowledgements, and wanted to share with you the beautiful way that she shared the simple truth of the gospel.  The bible teaches us that we have all sinned and fall short of God's standards (Romans 3:23).  Because of that, we are separated from him...his blessings, his joy, hope, life eternally.  HOWEVER, God has made a way to be right with him through Jesus.  We can't earn salvation through doing good, or being good...it will never be "enough".  We're tainted and cannot stand in the presence of glory.  So, if you believe that, and want to be certain that you'll be with God for eternity, read below what Kari Jobe closed her album cover with:

"One more thing...if you don't know Him or haven't surrendered your heart, open up to Him.  He changes everything.  Let your heart speak these words: Jesus, I surrender.  I let go of my own life and ask you to take control.  Be my God and my Savior.  I believe you died on the cross for me, to give me life and to show me love.  Teach me and direct me.  Thank you Jesus.  Amen."

This simple truth - that we are sinners in need of a Savior, and now we are saved through Jesus - is how Ryan and I have made it through this trial.  We've had something to look forward to and something to put our hope in.  We don't dwell in our sorrow, but CHOOSE to believe that out of these ashes, God is making something beautiful.  And we delight in that.  The gospel doesn't take away pain.  It doesn't wash away the heart ache, but it does tell us that all of this is not in vain. 

I know I'm a little song crazy, but music helps me express my heart, so here's another song...the song I actually sang to Matthew before (or maybe when) he passed away:

I love this quote...and a prayer request

In the months leading up to Matthew's birthday, I literally read this book almost every day.  The book is broken down into chapters on different struggles in life with collections of verses to pray through.  I read through the "Overcoming Despair" chapter countless times.  There is a quote in the chapter and it says this:

"Thou, O Lord, canst transform my thorn into a flower.  And I want my thorn transformed into a flower.  Job got the sunshine after the rain, but has the rain been all a waste?  Job wants to know, I want to know, if the shower had nothing to do with the shining.  And Thou canst tell me - Thy cross can tell me.  Thou hast crowned Thy sorrow.  Be this my crown, O Lord. I only triumph in Thee when I have learned the radiance of the rain." (George Matheson, Streams in the Desert)

Sweet, right?  And this prayer...

Lord, in my heart I plan my course, but You determine my steps. (Prov. 16:9) Life is not going as I planned.  I am so grateful that You are not caught off guard.  You knew everything that would befall me.  Please direct my steps as you determine.  I need You, Lord.  Carry me when I cannot walk.   

And lastly, Ryan and my greatest prayer request for those of you who would like to partner in prayer with us:

We are having some testing done to see if Matthew had any chromosomal abnormalities.  We already know he did not have Trisomy 13, 18, or 21 (the most common abnormalities), so further tests are being done.  Please pray that whatever is found in Matthew's blood is not found in ours. 

More likely than not, everything Matthew had was just a one-time thing that God allowed, but it may not be.  I fear finding out that there's a chance this could happen again so I have to just keep casting, casting, casting on the Lord and trusting that he is for us - not against us. 



Green thumb?

No...not really.  I probably will never have a green thumb.  I forget to water plants until they are wilty and I don't know a whole lot about them (although both my mother and mother-in-law are AMAZING gardeners who, I'm sure, would love to teach me).  However, today, I looked at my little window box with the woody, dried-up stems from last year's herbs, and decided that it needed a little "sprucing up". 

After play time with rd, hz and their mama's on Sebastian Joe's (best ice cream) patio, a walk around Linden Hills, and a large sample of Great Harvest bread, I went to the cutest flower shop and got some annuals for our window box.  All you flower people out there, don't judge - I just picked what I thought was pretty, not what necessarily went together.  I got beautiful deep purple pansies, lavender impatiens, and a hot reddish-pink begonia.  It really is WAY too many plants for my little flower box, but I wanted it to look pretty right away, so I'll figure out how to thin them out as I go. 

Cut-and-paste

I recognize that there are a lot of people who check here to see how we're doing.  So today, I'm going to do a little cut-and-paste of e-mails I've sent recently.

Ryan and I are doing well.  The last couple days, my tears have flowed much more freely.  Yesterday, his ashes were ready and it just hit me so hard...I'll never hold my sweet boy on this earth again.  Gosh...that's a hard reality. 

Today is Matthew's one week birthday and my heart just aches.  I don't like that it has already been a week.  I don't like that time keeps separating our moments with him more and more.  I just want to cling to it all....and then I realize that I really have no control. 

I told a friend today that I find myself wanting to hold back my emotions becuase it feels better than the pain, but God just keeps gently whispering to my heart, "Give it all to me...give it all to me".  The pain, the questions, the tears, the fears...all of it.  He can take it.  A really special lady sent me a really, really awesome devotional called "Jesus Calling" and it was written by a woman who wrote down what she believed God was speaking to her.  Today, I read this:

"Peace is My continual gift to you.  It flows abundantly...just as the Israelites could not store up manna for the future but had to gather it daily, so it is with My peace.  The day-by-day collecting of manna kept My people aware of their dependence on Me.  Similararly, I give you sufficient peace for the present, when you come to me by prayer, petition with thanksgiving.  If I gave you permanent peace, independent of My presence, you might fall into the trap of self sufficiency."
(Based off Exodus 16:14-20, Philippeans 4:6-7,19; Hebrews 4:16)

God is so good.  He knows what I need and is GOOD to only give me what I need so I keep coming back, and coming back, and coming back.  It is one of those mysteries about God that I can feel such pain, but such joy and peace simultaneously.  Never will I understand it.  God knows best.  I believe that and even when I question his ways and think I might have a better idea, I'm going to choose to believe that.  God knows best.

 I just have to keep weaving, weaving, weaving God's word into my heart...I encourage any of you readers to do the same.  That way, when the storms of life come, you're ready. 

Thank you, again (and I'll probably repeat this one hundred times), to those of you who have showered us with love through cards, e-mails, gifts, prayers and your tears.  We don't overlook any of it.

Look at these cutie feet and hands...hahahaha.  We laugh every time we look at Matthew's hand prints.  It was the best Ryan and the nurse could do, but we think it looks like Matthew tried to do it himself.  Oh, little love...

Today, I just want to go through labor all over again so I can hold Matthew just one more time.  My heart hurts today and I wish this all didn't happen, but I really still rejoice in Gods PERFECT plan for my life. 

"For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

...and a song that expresses my heart beautifully (thank you Mrs. K for sending it my way)

Labor Day

I've been asked how long my labor was multiple times in the last several days, so I thought I'd share the story.

Saturday evening, Ryan and I went to bed around 10:00 (we're not night owls....at all).  I woke up around 11:30 with contractions and couldn't fall back asleep.  They were about 12 minutes apart to start, and worked their way down to about eight minutes apart.  I tossed and turned in bed until four, and then went out to the couch so Ry could get some sleep in case this was the real thing.  By six or seven in the morning, the contractions subsided, so I thought it was probably false labor.  Exhausted, we stayed home from church, took a nap that afternoon, and enjoyed a walk around Lake Harriet later that day.  I had sporadic contractions all day, but nothing regular. 

Sunday night, we went to bed around ten, and I woke up around 11:30 with a whole new kind of contractions.  The others hurt, but I was able to stay in bed for them.  These contractions were not the lay-down kind.  I paced the apartment, took a bath, drank a small glass of wine, took a shower, paced the apartment....you get the point.  I was in labor (or so I thought).  By about three in the morning, the contractions had been about five minutes apart for over an hour and Ryan had gotten up and dressed.  We packed our bags, called into our work places, and were ready to call our midwife to see what we should do. 

Well....then the contractions started to spread out again, and although they were progressively becoming more intense, they were less and less predictable.  I was pretty bummed...and confused.  I called the midwife and asked what was happening.  She said that I was probably experiencing something called "prodromal labor".  From my understanding, it's kind of a step-up from false labor, and a step-down from real labor.  I was probably dilating, but a characteristic of prodromal labor is that it can subside and then come back later that day or even a couple days later.  She told us to get rest when we could and to call back if the contractions pick up again.   I hardly had any contractions through the morning and we were able to sleep for an hour or so. 

Ryan and I enjoyed the day off, taking walks all over and preparing our hearts for what we were certain was going to happen very soon...saying goodbye to our little love.  I treasure that time that God gave us together on Monday. 

I had a scheduled appointment with my midwife at four on Monday.  Before we went to that appointment, we took one last walk around the Galleria.  I started having regular contractions at the Galleria.  I told Ryan that if a woman ever wanted to stay sane during labor, to do it at a mall because you have to stay calm.  Seriously though...probably not the best place to be haha.

We found out I was dilated to 6 cm. at my appointment and that I was definitely in labor and could be admitted.  We chose to go home since I thought we still had tons of time (considering how long it took so far).  Ryan and I had big plans of taking showers, watching a movie, and maybe even eating dinner.  We hardly had time for showers.  Shortly after we got home, my contractions started to be around 3 minutes apart and we made our way to the hospital sometime between 7:00 and 7:30. 

When we got to the hospital, I had to put that awful hospital gown on (I texted my mom and my friend Katie that I wished I would have brought a belt...it would have made the gown much more flattering)!  Labor progressed pretty quickly.  I'll fast-forward to midnight when I started pushing.  I was totally wiped out, and I remember looking at the clock thinking how I had read that pushing can take between 5 minutes and 3 hours.  I was terrified I would have to push for three hours.  God knew I didn't have it in me and thankfully, Matthew was out in about 15 minutes.  Hallelujah!

The nurses put him right on my chest and that was, by far, one of the most joyful moments of my life.  I thought I would cry, but I didn't.  I just grinned from ear to ear.  I loved feeling his weight on my chest and taking in all his sweet features.  I looked at Ryan, and I could tell that all these last nine months had just hit him....he was a dad and he had a son.  He had his head in his hands and was just weeping.  Never has my husband looked more handsome than the moment he held our little boy.  He looked so strong and brave. 

It took the midwife and nurses quite a while to do all the post-birth stuff, so although it felt like minutes, it was probably a good half hour to 45 minutes before our families came in.  I sang the song, "Beauty for Ashes" to Matthew while the nurse went to get our family.  I like to think that maybe he passed away during that time, but I don't know for sure. 

The next couple hours we spent with our families and a few friends.  After they left, we just sat, enamored by our son for a while until our sleep deprivation hit us.  We got a few hours of sleep that morning, a couple visitors, and then we left for home around noon after we said goodbye to Matthew.  We prayed over him and everything in my mothers heart just wanted to stay there forever and protect him, but eventually, we kissed him goodbye.

As we drove home, I just kept thinking, "Did this all just happen?  Was I just pregnant?  Did I just have a baby?  Did we just say goodbye to our son?"  It was so surreal.  Ryan and I are doing well though.  We have had so much time to grieve in these last months that it was all more natural than we would have imagined.  We obviously miss Matthew and we'll have a little ache in our hearts forever, but we still believe that God is for us and that his plans for us our good.

A couple pictures to end this post - this is an awesome Edible Arrangement that we received from a couple that I have cleaned for for years and years.  It's all gone already :)  Please note my husbands cheesy smile and stature...hahahaha.  I love him.

Blessings

Just got this sweet picture sent to me via-email from a student at school.  I cropped it because I couldn't figure out how to blur her last name, but it blessed me so much...

Ryan and I are completely overwhelmed by the cards, notes, flowers, food, gifts, and messages we've received in the last couple days.  Thank you.  From the bottom of our hearts...thank you.

Heaven

I'd like to be there right now.  I just want to hold my little moosh again, squeeze his little body, rub his little arms and fingers, and cuddle with him through the night.  He is so precious.

I've thought about heaven a lot this past year, even before we knew Matthew was on his way.  When I was little, I imagined heaven as a place where I would sit on a cloud, play the harp all day, and wear a halo.  Did you ever think that way? 

As I grew older, my vision of heaven changed, and I started to picture it as a place where everyone sang all day long in a giant outdoor room, with white robes, and I got nervous...What if I don't feel like singing all the time?  What if my legs get tired?  Ever think of heaven like that?  Do you ever think, "I don't even know if I want to go there...hell sounds like more of a good time than that."?

I don't know when I started to understand that I had a very confused idea of heaven - maybe through simply reading what the bible says about it, listening to messages, and eventually reading a couple books on it - but eventually I started to see that heaven was nothing like I had ever imagined it to be. 

Theology is not a strength of mine, nor will I ever claim to be, but I know that the bible doesn't teach what I used to believe.  Heaven is going to be an outrageously amazing place where we will have relationships and get to explore, and maybe even have jobs that we love to do.  There will be no suffering, sorrow or evil.  The bible teaches that there is absolutely no good apart from God, so everything good will be there.

Yesterday, I was imagining Matthew in heaven.  I thought he might be learning carpentry skills from Jesus (since Matthew's earthly daddy is REALLY good with woodworking, I figured he may have an interest in it).  He'll probably have a few things to teach his daddy when he gets there!

I'll leave you with a sweet verse and some precious pictures of our time with Matthew.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away"

 Revelation 21:4

Selah

On December 17, while I was reading the Psalms, I kept seeing the word, Selah.  In my heart, I felt like God told me that was the name for our baby and so, from that day on, I was certain that our little babe was a girl.  I would go so far as to tell people that I would be 100% surprised if it was a boy. 

I didn't really even know what "selah" meant at the time, but I did a little googling (I was going to say research, but I don't think googling counts as research) and found that although no one knows for sure what the word means, scholars are fairly certain it could mean either "to praise" or "to pause and reflect".  It is somewhat of a command during the psalms.  It was a perfect name for our sweet baby. 

Obviously, I was entirely wrong about the gender of our baby!  I can say I was completely shocked when they put Matthew on my chest after he was born and I said, "So, is it a boy or a girl???" and they answered, "It's a boy!"  Ryan and I looked at each other and just laughed and shook our heads.  "No way," I thought...but I honestly can't imagine it any other way.  I love having a son. 

So as I have been reflecting on my certainly of having a girl, I've been wondering, "Why?"  Why did I feel so strongly about this name?  Well, I think its a perfect word to describe the past nine months - a time to pause and reflect and to praise God for all He is, and all He has done for us.

We are thankful, first of all, for our salvation in Jesus Christ.  That he died on the cross for our sins and has made a way to spend eternity with God.  Apart from him, we have no hope.  We are thankful that not only salvation comes through faith in Jesus, but hope, joy, and abundant blessings here on earth.  We are thankful that Jesus understands all of our sorrow and questions and can sympathize with us in our weakness.  We are thankful that there is still abundant joy in the midst of pain because we believe that God had a great purpose for Matthew's short life on earth.  God does not make mistakes.

Below are some pictures of Matthew's grandmas and grandpas holding him in the hours after he was born.  We are also thankful for our parents, who have loved us, supported us and shown us so much grace throughout our lives. 

Grandma and Grandpa A

Grandma and Grandpa E -grandpa wanted to be called "Papi" :)

Matthew James

We are proud to announce that Matthew James was born this morning at 12:18 am, weighing in at a hefty 4 pounds 7 ounces and a grand 14 inches long!  He was a little trooper and made it through delivery...we're so proud of him.  His heart slowly started to shut down and he went to be with Jesus within the next hour (we're not exactly sure of the time of his Homecoming, but he was declared gone at 1:29 am). 

Our immediate families  and a couple of close friends were able to make it to meet Matthew.  We all passed around the little guy and I got to cuddle with him all night.  We said goodbye, until heaven, at noon today.  Thankful our precious little moosh (he was really squishy) has a brand new body in heaven! 

More about Matthew, including pictures, are yet to come, but here's a little pre- and post- birth for you!  Not the greatest pictures, I know, but it's all I have right now!

Minutes before we left for the hospital...

Matthew and I right after he was born....most precious moment.

You are God and you don't miss a thing

These last couple days have been hard.  My heart hurts every time I look down at my belly and think that any day, I'll look down and our baby will be gone.  I won't feel it kick anymore.  I won't be able to anticipate the day I get to meet it.  I'll just be left with a longing in my heart to have one more moment.

This song was sung at church yesterday and I had been listening to it all week.  I love the simple lyrics. 


"Nothing is hidden from your sight
Wherever I go, you find me
You know every detail of my life
You are God and you don't miss a thing...

"You know me...."

August 14th

On August 14, 2011, two little pink lines appeared on a little white stick. I laughed (nervously) and said, "Oh, boy..." Ryan, who was in the other room said, "Are you serious?" We were both a little in shock, thinking this process of becoming parents would take a few more tries. I verified the results that night...and the next morning. Two pink lines was the verdict.

We were anxious, nervous, excited, overwhelmed, and I cried a little bit because my initial reaction wasn't what I always dreamed it would be. I thought I would feel this overwhelming love and joy. Instead, I felt scared and wondered, "Are we really ready for this???"

In retrospect, I don't think I was the only person in the world who ever felt that way. I don't feel weird or like a bad parent. Finding out that God has entrusted you with a little life is a big deal. It's a heavy weight and I felt it right away, but through the upcoming months, I came to understand that God was going to give me all I needed, day by day, to love this little blessing. Even after a few days, I couldn't wait to start spreading the news.

I remember going to my first appointment, wondering all the way if maybe God had blessed us with twins (a dream of mine). When the nurse practitioner started a little bedside ultrasound shortly into my appointment and noticed that my yolk sac (still don't really know what that is) was irregular, she searched around for a while saying she was looking to see if maybe there was another baby in there. My heart was racing in anticipation of finding out that maybe I really was going to have twins! She never found another baby, but said she was concerned about the size of my yolk sac and wanted me to get a real ultrasound in a couple weeks. She reassured me that everything was probably fine since I was healthy and young, but that it would be a good thing to check on.

Three weeks later, I went in for another ultrasound. Ryan came with and we saw our sweet baby's little head and belly and its little legs and arms. The ultrasound tech explained things as she searched around. Our baby was small and the yolk sac still seemed irregular, but we were going to have to wait for a call from our doctor to tell us any findings.

Ryan was on his way home from hunting trip when I got a message from the nurse practitioner that she wanted to speak with me about my ultrasound. My heart was heavy as I could interpret the tone of her voice to mean that something might not be right. When we finally got in touch, she explained that our baby had some indicators of chromosomal abnormalities, and there was swelling in its head and body. She told me that I was going to get a call from perinatology, the doctors who specialize in high risk pregnancies, and that I would be given my "options" so Ryan and I could make the "best choice for our family". This was the first of many times that we were presented directly or indirectly with termination. It made me more sick than the rest of the news.

Ryan and I cried that night....a lot. He felt like all his dreams were dashed and I felt overwhelmed and sick. I felt too young to go through something like this, and I felt ill-equipped to potentially have to raise a child with special needs. This really was not what we had planned. Over the next few days, we both had to surrender our desires and plans to the Lord and God was faithful to give us peace. Ryan expressed some days later that he felt like God was searching his heart (Psalm 139) and he realized that most of his desires were for his own gain....not necessarily things that brought glory to God. I remembered one of my dear friends sharing with me after her miscarriage what God had spoken to her heart about her disappointment. She said, "God reminded me that he never promised me a perfect, healthy family. He never promised me that I would even have kids at all. But he has kept all of his promises." This is a reminder that I have clung to ever since. God has kept ALL his promises. He has not backed down on one of them. Hallelujah.

At 13 weeks, I went in for a regular appointment. The doctor searched around for a heartbeat, to no avail. She tried a little bedside ultrasound and still found no heartbeat. She turned off the machine, folded her hands in her lap, leaned forward and quietly told me that what she was seeing was consistent with a miscarriage. Our baby was gone. I wasn't surprised, because we had been told that we could lose it any time, but my heart ached and I just wanted to get out so I could cry. I listened as she gave me my options - miscarry naturally, take a pill to induce, or a D and C (procedure). I told her I wanted to miscarry naturally. Because I wanted to miscarry naturally, I needed to have another ultrasound to see how long ago the baby died. A woman can only go a few weeks with a lifeless baby before it can become toxic.

I went home feeling sad, but thankful, that this little baby would never have to suffer on earth. Thankful that God, in his mercy, had taken it Home. I held it together pretty good until the middle of the night when I woke up and felt empty. I just wanted to hold and rock and sing to my baby...none of which would ever happen. Ryan woke up and held me and prayed over me until I stopped shaking and could go back to sleep. Never in my life had I hurt so much. There is something about the middle of the night that makes a person very vulnerable to pain.

A few days later, I went to the ultrasound to find out how long I could be left to miscarry, and low and behold, our precious child had a heartbeat. I honestly laughed and just kept asking "Are you serious...Are you sure?" Unbelievable. There were more abnormalities than before, so I had to wait around for the results, but in the meantime, I called Ryan, who also laughed and said, "At this point, nothing really surprises me."

I'll end here shortly and continue another day, but that day, I went to another ultrasound with perinatology and found out the first of our current diagnosis. Our baby has encepheloceles, which is a neural tube disorder. Its neural tubes never fused together completely, so it leaks spinal cranial fluid and brain tissue in the back of its neck.  The doctor also believed it might have a twisted spine becuase its movements seemed involuntary. 

The prognosis continued to evolve over the next several months.  Check back for more of the story another day, but today, I'll leave you with some of the first verses that God gave us to cling to during this time:

"For he will not much remember the days of his life becuase God keeps him occuppied with the joy in his heart."  Ecclesiastes 5:20

"He will ahve no fear of bad news.  His heart is steadfast.  His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes." Psalm 112:7-8

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness.  'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I will hope in Him.'" Lamentations 3:22-24