May

Ryan and Dad celebrating their birthdays...they love eachother...

Ryan and Braydon ROCKED the Twin Cities Tough Mudder

...and qualified for the World's Toughest Mudder!

Ryan has a new apprentice.  Hudson LOVES tools...

The staff at my school gave Ryan and I a gift of a weekend at the Ann Bean Mansion in Stillwater.  It was sooooo beautiful and relaxing!  Thank you so much.

We had a little tower in our room where we had breakfast one morning.

On Friday night, we went to get ice cream at a local favorite.  This is the KID'S cup!!  We shared and still didn't finish. 

One of the amazing breakfasts.

Ryan loves dipping bread in oil and vinegar.

May has been a wonderful month.  Today is my last day of work until the fall!  Happy Summer!

Hallelujah!!!!!!!

We got the final chromosomal test results today and...


normal. normal. normal. normal. normal!!!


This does not mean that there is no risk that we could have another baby with abnormalities like little Matthew, but it does mean that it is very unlikely - that it was just a "fluke" (in medical terms).

I don't believe in flukes, but believe that God allowed everything in Matthew's short life for a reason, and know his life was not an accident or a mistake.  I know it could happen again if God allowed, but I have a peace about the future. 

We are rejoicing today!  Thank you for your prayers.

Come and listen

Heard this song on the way to work this morning when my music was turned way down.  As soon as I heard it come on, I turned up the radio....listen to these beautiful lyrics

My favorite line?  "Let me tell you what He has done for me...He has done for you...He has done for us."

Let me tell you what he has done for YOU, and he would have done only for you if you were the only person on earth.  Jesus came, lived a PERFECT life.  Why?  Becuase if he didn't, we would be separated from God forever.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  Romans 3:23

You.  Me.  Us.  For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  The bible teaches that there is no way to earn our way to heaven.  We're born sinners.  We're under a curse.  We are eternally separated from God.  That means everything good and pure, everything that brings joy and gives us hope, everything that puts a smile on our face and warms our heart.  It is all from God and we are separated from that.  We can't earn our way back.  There is no amount of good deeds, no amount of giving, no amount of times you can go to church that can get you back into a relationship with God. Nothing.

"For the wages of sin is death..." Romans 6:23

BUT....listen.  Jesus came and lived this perfect life.  The son of God came and he died.  Why?  He came so that we might have life in him.  How?  He paid the penalty of sin for us so that we can be right with God again.

"...but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus."  Romans 6:23

I don't understand it all.  I don't understand God's love or all the things in the bible.  I still have questions and want to know "why this", or "why that", but I can tell you that my life has been changed by this simple truth. 

"If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you shall be saved." Romans 10:9

I want this for each of you.  If you haven't yet, and you feel your heart stirring, surrender to God.  You don't need to wait until you have it all figured out.  Then start reading your bible.  Read Proverbs or start with one of the first four books of the New Testament.  God has a lot of really awesome things to say and teach you.  He loves you so much.

Sweetest birthday ever

Thank you, Laura, for the sweet note and celebration muffin!

Academic Vocabulary

That is what we call our student's vocabulary notebooks in first and second grade.

When we received Matthew's first diagnosis back in October, I immediately tried to find blogs of families who had children with the same diagnosis.  I enjoyed reading their stories, and was always encouraged to know I wasn't alone.

I hope that someone finds my blog someday as they travel a similar journey, and my heart is that they would be encouraged by the hope we've found in choosing to believe that God is who he says he is, even when the storms come. 

So, in an effort to be found in a google search, I'm going to throw around a few (probably) new vocabulary words for you to put in your academic vocabulary notebooks :) 

Matthew was first diagnosed with a neural tube disorder called encephaloceles.  His neural tubes didn't fuse completely and consequently, they leaked spinal/cranial fluid and brain tissue in the back of his neck.  This is a very, very rare complication that happens in something like 1 in 5,000 pregnancies.  The chances of survival to birth are extremely slim, and much less after birth.  Matthew's encephalocele continued to grow as he did. 

During the second trimester, we found out that I no longer had any amniotic fluid.  Apparently, the baby takes over that job after the first trimester, and for some reason, Matthew couldn't do it.  During ultrasounds, the technicians and doctors could hardly make out where his head was because they couldn't see anything without the fluid (it creates contrast).  Little buddy was all squished in there with no room to move.  Babies need amniotic fluid to develop many of their organs.  They swallow it to develop their lungs and it moves through their digestive system to practice those functions.  Our little fighter couldn't do any of that, so he had several organs that were under-developed.

The second major diagnosis Matthew had is called arthrogryposis (also very rare- about 1 in 3,000 births).  A mild case of arthrogryposis is club foot.  Matthew's was all over his body.  His little joints and muscles were not formed normally.  Sometimes arthrogryposis can happen because of low amniotic fluid, and sometimes it can happen for other medical reasons.  We don't know why Matthew got it, but his sweet little body was severely affected by it.

With all of these complications, Matthew was not expected to survive until (and especially through) birth.  His umbilical cord was the only reason he was surviving.  But being the super dude he was, he pretty much destroyed all odds and survived not only through delivery, but for an HOUR!  You better believe we are proud parents!

We think that is a miracle and a blessing.  Although his eyes never opened and he never took a breath (that we know of), we are so thankful that we know he heard our voices and felt our touch at least for a moment. 

Doctors think he probably also had a chromosomal abnormality, but we're still waiting on those test results.  Keep praying.

Four

Happy four week birthday, little love! 

I can't believe I was holding you four weeks ago, but thankful that means four weeks closer to holding you again!!

You probably missed these

I haven't posted a song in a while!  Here's another good one:

Believing that today...nothing is wasted.

^"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

"...and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor."

Isaiah 61:3

Love

“This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience - it looks for a way of being constructive.
Love is not possessive.
Love is not anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own ideas.
Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage.
Love is not touchy.
Love does not keep account of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad with all good men when truth prevails.
Love knows no limits to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that stands when all else has fallen.”

- Elisabeth Elliot, "Let Me Be a Woman"

I'm going to write more about what Elisabeth Elliot has to say about the possessiveness of love, but I have to wait until I can find my book.  Is it at your house, cz?

I am tempted to be possessive with Matthew.  But God gave him, and then he took him back.  Matthew's short life on earth is complete in God's eyes.  He was not jipped (is that how you spell that word?) and although it may feel this way, Ryan and I were not jipped.  I have been called to love, but not cling.  How in the world do you do that? 

I'm not quite sure, but what I do know is that it has something to do with opening my hands and offering back all that God has given me.  Enjoying what I've been given for however long I get to have it for...and then letting go.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

Ryan and I had to make a lot of choices as Matthew's complications evolved throughout the months.  We could choose to let this trial destroy us or refine us.  We could choose to fear or to trust in God's promises.  We could choose to be embittered or softened. 

Honestly, I had to choose EACH DAY, and sometimes many, many times a day to believe that God was (is) for me.   That's ok.  There were days where I would really struggle with fear.  Fear of what life was going to be like if Matthew lived, fear of what grieving would feel like, fear of future pregnancies, etc.  I would "cast" those fears on the Lord, feel ok for a few minutes seconds, and then felt like I was carrying the fear all over again. 

There were days where I felt exhausted from casting, casting, casting those fears over and over and over again.  But that's ok.  He always met me where I was and it got easier as the days went on and I kept praying verses I had memorized as soon as I felt afraid:

"He is not afraid of bad news;

his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.His heart is steady; he will not be afraid,

until he looks in triumph on his foes."

Psalm 112:7

Little cutie pie

Snip, snip, snip

I feel like my life is a little collage right now.  I read something, whether in the bible, or the various books that I'm reading, and something sticks out, so then I, metaphorically, cut it out and paste it in my heart.  Cut. Paste. Cut. Paste.  Sometimes I have my students make collages of various things they are learning about.  They love to find pictures and words, cut them out, and glue them on paper.  Some of them are more meticulous in their approach, c a r e f u l l y  cutting out each picture and v e r y  carefully arranging them on their papers, and others have a more...well, let's say "raw" approach.  Either way, the objective is met - they show what they have learned or what they know. 

I don't feel incredibly inspired (nor do I trust myself) to think on my own right now, so the thoughts of others have been the expression of my heart.  This morning, I was reading in that amazing Streams in the Desert book I was given (the reading for May 10th).  It was one of those days that I needed to "cut and paste" on my heart:

"What do you do when you are about to faint physically?  You cannot do anything.  You cease from your own doings.  In your faintness, you fall upon the shoulder of some strong loved one.  You lean hard.  You rest.  You lie still and trust.

It is so when we are being tempted to faint under affliction.  God's message is not, "Be strong and of good courage," for He knows our strength and our courage have fled away.  But it is that sweet word, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)...

And that is all God asks of you, His dear child, when you grow faint in the fierce fires of affliction.  Do not try to be strong. Just be still and know that He is God, and will sustain you, and bring you through."

"God keeps His choicest cordials for our deepest faintings"

Stay firm, He has not failed thee

In all the past,

And will He go and leave thee

To sink at last?

Nay, He said He will hide thee

Beneath His wing;

And sweetly there in safety

Thou mayest sing.

- Selected

Missing you

Mama misses you lots today, precious boy.  I got to write your name last week on a form I was filling out and it filled my heart with joy.  I wish I had a reason to write it a million more times, but I'll treasure each time I do. 

Matthew James, you have lit up my life and I'll never be the same.  I'm looking forward to the day when I get to see you, hold you, kiss your sweet face, and hear all about you, but until then, just know that I loved loving you for the time I was blessed to have you here.

As I was missing you today, I thought I'd go back and read a couple things that rd's and hz's mom wrote to you/about you:

A letter to you before we knew you were a boy!

Your birth announcement

And one more on your week birthday

I love you, son...can't wait to see you again.

Chicken nuggets and malts

The week following Matthew's arrival was one of the sweetest weeks of our marriage thus far.  Ryan and I were both home, and we were able to mentally check out from work.  We had no agenda, nothing pressing we needed to get done and all sorts of time to just hang out.  We laughed a ton, went on slow walks around Target while I held on to the cart, enjoyed visits from friends, and fell deeper in love and appreciation of one another (I know, kind of sappy).  We were grieving, but in a way, we were also finding our feet again after so many months of wondering and waiting on God's final answer to our prayers.

This last Sunday evening, we came home from a great weekend up north at Ryan's family resort, and Ryan popped some chicken nuggets in the oven to accompany our left-over soup.  We cuddled up in bed with our dinner to watch an episode of our new favorite show, "Jockeys".  When the show started, I got a little lump in my throat as I started reflecting on one of the nights from that first week back from the hospital. 

A few days after Matthew was born, Ryan took me to this park that he had been running at with a friend.  We slowly made our way around the park, enjoying the still, cool air, holding hands and talking about the last year.  When we got in the car after our walk, Ryan asked what we were going to have for dinner.  Neither of us could think of anything that sounded good, except randomly, chicken nuggets and chocolate malts....so, we went to Target and bought some chicken nuggets and malt powder.  That night, we cuddled up in bed with our nuggets and malts and watched some show on Netflix.  (Note: We normally do not eat dinner in bed...hahaha..)

So this last Sunday, when we were eating our nuggets and soup, I thought about that night a couple weeks ago, and tears started welling in my eyes.  That week was so hard, but so precious in so many ways.  The love and respect I have for my husband is so much more rich than ever before.  Just another blessing that has come from Matthew's short life. 

PS.  We are not chicken nugget connoisseurs, but in case you are interested, we were disappointed with Target's nugget selection.  We've only bought chicken nuggets twice in our marriage, but Costco, hands down, has the best.  :)

Happy Birthday, Pops!!!!

Today is my daddio's birthday.  Happy birthday, dad!  He loves that his birthday is on Cinco de Mayo.  My dad has always wanted to have a latino name.  His favorite is Raul Badeluco (sp???).  He is an amazing cook, he makes us laugh more than anyone in the family, he is a super biker, he loves us endlessly, is a and is a fearless provider.  I have so much respect for him and can't wait to see him love on our children someday (and probably spoil them!).  I love you, dad, and I know if Matthew were still here, he would say, "Love you, Pops!"

Look at this coolio...

Rock stars

I have a lot of rock star friends.  One of them happens to be my neighbor at work (school).  Jessica is one of a kind.  She is a gem.  (Side note:her and her husband took the photo in the header - told you they were rock stars).  From my first day on the job, she has been an outstanding friend to me.

She brought me a homemade cappuccino nearly every day this year, written me countless little encouraging notes and verses, and been the coordinator of all sorts of surprises since Matthew's birth.  She has knit me, not one, but TWO, little scarves, and  she gave me a little "sunshine" gift on my first day back this week of Lemon Heads, Raisenettes (woo!), and mandarine orange sparkling water from Trader Joe's (my fav).  She has prayed for Ryan and I faithfully, and just loved us to pieces.  Thanks, Jess (and Justin).  I have the tune, "Won't you be my neighbor?" in my head right now...haha.  Oh, Mr. Rogers...

Well, this morning, she put a little flat stone on my desk and it had this awesome verse on it:

"I call as my heart grows faint;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

Psalm 61:2

I carried it in my back pocket today and everytime I sat down, I was startled by the little lump in my pocket, then remembered the verse and thought about how thankful that my feet are planted on a solid rock (God's promises) and that although there have been moments in the last several months that my heart has been "faint", it really isn't right now.  There are moments of certain days that it feels that way, but for the most part, my heart feels pretty encouraged.  Thanks for all of you who have prayed for that.  Your prayers are not in vain.

The Lapidary

I went back to work today....whew!  I'm tired, but my day was full of sweet surprises and hugs from both kids and wonderful co-workers.  One of my students gave me about a million hugs today.  I love hugs from children.  I also love how excited kids get to give you gifts they picked out. 

One of my students was literally jumping up and down as I opened the gift they had chosen for me.  It was the novel, "Secret Garden", and this little basil plant.  Another student informed me that they wanted to make sure that I knew that they had "spent 50 of the points they earned at church for that (a magnetic notepad)".  Hahaha...I laughed out loud.  I was told to leave the room at one point, and when I came back, they had all hidden and jumped out, yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" and flooded over to give me this book they had all drawn and written in.  The back of the book ,"Happy Holidays!" 

Oh, the joys of teaching young kids...I may try to take pictures of some of the cards and post them at some point. 

A co-worker of mine gave me this amazing book called "Streams in the Desert".  I have read quotes from the book (and posted one or two) in other books, but have never seen an actual copy of the book.  The coolest part is that it is the actual book that her family has passed around during seasons of heartache.  She told me to read April 17th's entry (Matthew's birthday).  I want to share a little from that day's writing (it is long, but SO worth reading):

"The hand of the Lord have wrought this." Job 12:9

Several years ago, there was found in an African mine the most magnificent diamond in the world's history.  It was presented to the King of England to blaze in his crown of state.  The King sent it to Amsterdam to be cut.  It was put into the hands of an expert lapidary.  And what do you suppose he did with it?

He took the gem of priceless value, and cut a notch in it.  Then he struck it a hard blow with his instrument, and lo!  the superb jewel lay in his hand cleft in twain.  What recklessness!  what wastefulness!  what criminal carelessness!

Not so.  For days and weeks that blow had been studied and planned.  Drawings and models had been made of the gem.  Its quality, its defects, its lines of cleavage had all been studied with the minutest care.  The man to whom it was committed was one of the most skillful lapidaries in the world. 

Do you say that blow was a mistake?  Nay.  It was the climax of the lapidary's skill.  When he struck that blow, he did the one thing which would bring that gem to its most perfect shapeliness, radiance, and jewelled splendor.  That blow which seemed to ruin the superb precious stone was, in fact, its perfect redemption...

So, sometimes, God lets a stinging blow fall upon your life.  The blood spurts.  The nerves wince.  The soul cries out in agony.  The blow seems to you an appalling mistake.  But it is not, for you are the most priceless jewel in the world to God.  And He is the most skillful lapidary in the universe.

...As you lie in His hand now He knows just how to deal with you.  Not a blow will be permitted to fall upon your shrinking soul but that the love of God permits it, and works out from its depths, blessing and spiritual enrichment unseen, and unthought of by you....

Birthdays are fun

Last night, we had a few friends over to celebrate my sweet husband's life.  Ryan is an amazing husband, friend, and now dad.  I don't think I ever imagined how much I would grow to love, admire and respect him.  We had fun eating good food, laughing, and sharing life.  Ryan enjoyed tickling and getting the kids all worked up. 

Below is a picture of our fancy seating arrangement.  Ry and I only have five chairs, so whenever we have more people than chairs, we improvise or borrow chairs.  Last night, we decided to go plush and pulled over a couch.  The couch sits pretty low, so we put more cushions on it, but all the men were still sitting pretty low once they sat down.  We all got a good laugh out of it, and they enjoyed their cushy seats...

We are so thankful for amazing friends. 

Happy birthday (yesterday), love!

Tomorrow, I'm going back to work.  I'm looking forward to seeing all those sweet kiddos!