Friday, December 21, 2012

Under Bethlehem's Sky

Oh, what a glorious night it must have been....thank you, Jesus.



Dry your eyes the King has come 
Death has lost and victory won
You were born to change it all
A warrior though frail and small

Just a baby
sleeping in a manger 
All the world was waiting for You to come 

Holy, Holy, Silent night
Peace has come to all mankind
All of this with me in mind
Under Bethlehem skies

Oh the role you came to play
Born to give your life away
Soon you'll set the captives free
But tonight's about your welcoming 

Oh listen 
Hear the angels singing 
Glory in the highest, the Lord has come

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Old Rugged Cross


On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
The emblem of suff’ring and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain.

So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.
 
Oh, that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,
Has a wondrous attraction for me;
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary.
 
In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.
 
To the old rugged cross I will ever be true;
Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
Where His glory forever I’ll share.
 
 
 
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus, our Lord.
Romans 6:23

Monday, October 22, 2012

Listen to this killer song...

My friend, Jessica, just sent me this song.  It's sweet, so I thought I'd share it.

By the way, doesn't this guy hold his guitar cool??? 


Well I feel a warm wind blowin'
Melting all the sadness off of my soul
and I smell the sweet cherry blossoms
pouring all their gladness, into my soul

In winter I believe you
In springtime I see you
It's so good to be with you
my hope has come
Lord you make all things new
Your love is my breakthrough
Now I sing Hallelujah
my hope has come

Well I've walked through the valley of the shadow
And I have been tested like silver and gold
Lord your faith has taught me to cherish
that this light affliction is not my home

I'm not gonna give in to this mortal frustration
And I'm not gonna give death any standing ovation
I will lift my soul God, with no hesitation
because between you and be there's no separation

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Choices

As life continues to throw curve balls at Ryan and I, we are tempted to begin believing that God is just plain mean.  That he is against us and that our life is a joke. 

This week our hearts were heavy with pain and questioning and as Ryan and I wrestled with God, and as I said "God, I'm not sure how much more I can take, I need something from you....a glimpse of your heart", God did just that.

During my drive home one day, I was reminded of a story I read in the book, The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom (a must-read).  She and her father were riding a train one day and she asked her father a question:
"Father, what is sexsin?"
He turned to look at me (Corrie), as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case off the floor and set it on the floor.
Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?" he said.
I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.
It's too heavy," I said.
Yes," he said, "and it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”


I mulled over this story and the turbulence in my heart began to calm as I thought of my heavenly Father, in heaven, working out all things in my life for good (He promises this to those who love him).  I pictured him, with tears in his eyes and pain in his own heart, whispering "I love you...I love you...I love you" as he allows what he knows hurts me to the core.  He knows what I do not and can see what I cannot.

I told Ryan that I imagined a parent saying no to their child asking to do something that they really wanted to do.  The child doesn't see any reason why their parents are saying no.  The parent is saying no because they know something the child doesn't (a surprise party!).   The child could grow bitter, or trust their parent's heart toward them. 

I said to Ryan, "I would be pretty embarrassed if I were that child and I had grown bitter and then showed up to an amazing party."

So, we're choosing to trust that God is withholding from us because he has something better in mind.  Although our hearts are heavy and burdened, our joy cannot be taken away.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

3. 2. 1.

3.

Ryan and I celebrated our three year anniversary last week.  I cannot put into words what an amazing husband and friend Ryan has been to me.  I am so so thankful and blessed.  We're looking forward to our fourth year!

2.

We now have two sweet babies in heaven.  A few weeks ago our second baby was whisked away early in our pregnancy.  Our hearts were broken. 



"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."  C.S. Lewis

Do you ever feel like that, believer?  I find myself almost afraid to ask God for the desires of my heart because I'm afraid of more pain...more disappointment.  These verses help me:

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."  1 Corinthians 13:12
 
"Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy."  Psalm 126:5

We're looking forward to our "shouts of joy".  Most days I am doing pretty good, but I have moments that it just plain hurts and then a few minutes later I'll be totally fine again.

I imagine the day that I get to hold my sweet babies and cuddle them longer than they would ever want.  Sometimes I look in my rearview mirror while I'm driving and wish I had two little carseats back there with my babies in them.  I told Ryan that we better not loose any more babies because I can't fit anymore imaginary carseats in my car.  :)

God is working on my heart.  It is softening and my faith is growing.  I know God loves me and is for me.

"See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not percieve it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:19


My sweet friend, Katie, recommended a book to me (that I now recommend to you!).  It is called Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman.  Her husband is Steven Curtis Chapman, and they lost their little girl, Maria, after she accidentally got hit by a car.  She's very real, very honest, and very insightful on dealing with heartache.  If you are going through something really hard, take a couple nights and read through this book.  I think it will encourage you.

1.


We are already almost one month into school!  I am completely exhausted at the end of every day (I teach first grade), but I usually come home with some great stories for Ryan.  Right now we're working on NOT getting stuck inside our lockers.  I also taught the kids that the earth orbits the sun once every year.  I asked them how many times they have orbited the sun in their life (six or seven), then I asked them how many times they thought I have orbited the sun in my life.  "EIGHTY!!!" was the first thing someone guessed.

I am not eighty...yet.



Tuesday, August 7, 2012

It is well with my soul.

Ryan and I visited some sweet friends and their little girl this weekend, and while visiting their church on Sunday, I was incredibly touched by a video that was played that told the story of the man who wrote the old hymn, "It is well with my soul". 

So I wanted to share it with you...

If you are in the midst of a trial, a burden, something painful and hard to understand, a situation beyond what you can handle, or even if your life is going just as you planned, I think you'll be moved by this story.  I hope that it encourages you to press deeper into the shelter of God's love and grace.

I couldn't locate the actual video I saw, but this one will do the trick.




Friday, July 20, 2012

Fingerprint

Before Matthew was born, I found this picture of a necklace made of a baby's fingerprint and my heart was sold on having one made with Matthew's fingerprint.



We found a jeweler and they told us to get some non-drying clay (Sculpy) and get his print after he was born.  They would cast a mold from the clay and made the pendant out of gold. 

Matthews little fingers were so so tiny that no one would ever know that my pendant is of a fingerprint, but it is so so precious and I can't wait to wear it every day when it is done next week (picture of my necklace to come).

Here is a picture of Ry trying to get his fingerprint.  Focused.



Tuesday, July 17, 2012

3

Today is my little honey bun's three-month birthday.  Happy birthday, son!  Your daddy and I love you so much and can't wait to cuddle you again.  We are still completely enamored by you!

God continues to amaze us by extending more grace and peace to us than is comprehensible.  All glory to God for the way we have been able to walk through this past year without falling apart.  Without Him, we would be a wreck, full of pain and fear of loosing another child in the future.



Ryan and I were reflecting on my pregnancy with Matthew yesterday.  My first craving was chocolate donuts, then Chipotle, then hard boiled eggs.  Eventually, it was all protien and fruit.  All I wanted was meat (and a side of grapes). 

I was remembering the first time I felt Matthew move.  I was 17 weeks pregnant (exactly) and sitting at my desk as the sun was rising.  I felt this bubbly/popcorn-popping feeling and nearly jumped off my chair.   I walked around and felt it again and my heart swelled when I realized that I was probably feeling our sweet baby move (something that doctors didn't know if I would ever experience).  Our God is able.

I think it was February when we went cross country skiing up north with Ryan's family.  By this time, Matthew's head had been lodged in my pelvis for weeks.  It was pretty painful, but I was still able to do most things.  I skiied for a while and the pain became fairly intense.  By the end of the run, I was nearly in tears and had a hard time walking/sitting/standing.  I was in so much pain, I told Ryan that I thought he needed to shake me upside-down to try and loosen Matthew's head from my pelvis.  I was joking, but Ryan said we should try.  So (and I'm not joking), Ry picked me up by my ankles and shook me.  We were laughing so hard, he probably almost dropped me.  It didn't work, but it was a great memory...

Sometimes I get the question, "Was it hard to be pregnant for so long knowing your baby was going to die?"  Yes.  There were times when I wished God would just take our baby home sooner rather than later, but I am so thankful he didn't.  I cherish the time we had and am sooo thankful we got to meet Matthew alive. 

We know he is whole now, and without pain or deformity.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

As unrelated as it is, every time I hear this song, it makes me think of Matthew.  Most days my heart doesn't ache - I just miss him and can't wait to see him again, but my hearts been a little achy lately.  I was laying on my couch yesterday (because I have this weird bug that I just can't kick) and I had a dejavu moment of when the nurse put Matthew on my chest after he was born.  That's where I wish he was today (and every day).  Sometimes it just kind of stinks that he's not here anymore.  I'll never be over him...


On another note, Ry and I are headed up to the lake this weekend to see a whole bunch of extended family, including his family from Norway!  We're pumped.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Treasure

A few weeks ago, I turned on the radio and the chorus of the current song was playing..."You are my treasure...Your love lasts forever..." The melody and lyrics were stuck in my head all day and I kept reminding myself to look up the song when I got home, but forgot.

Yesterday, I heard the song again and remembered this morning that I was going to try to find it.  I couldn't remember the chorus, but one of the other lines that stuck out to me, "They cannot take what I've already laid down at Jesus feet."  Those words resonated with me as that is exactly how I feel most days....there is no one, and nothing, that can take away the joy, hope, and peace that I've found in laying down all that I have at the feet of Jesus. 

When I looked the lyrics up this morning, I came across this video and shook my head in wonder when I found out that this song was written in response to this artist finding out that his son had a life threatening complication...just like sweet, handsome Matthew.



And the rest of the song...



Thursday, May 31, 2012

May

Ryan and Dad celebrating their birthdays...they love eachother...


Ryan and Braydon ROCKED the Twin Cities Tough Mudder






...and qualified for the World's Toughest Mudder!



Ryan has a new apprentice.  Hudson LOVES tools...





The staff at my school gave Ryan and I a gift of a weekend at the Ann Bean Mansion in Stillwater.  It was sooooo beautiful and relaxing!  Thank you so much.



We had a little tower in our room where we had breakfast one morning.




On Friday night, we went to get ice cream at a local favorite.  This is the KID'S cup!!  We shared and still didn't finish. 


One of the amazing breakfasts.


Ryan loves dipping bread in oil and vinegar.


May has been a wonderful month.  Today is my last day of work until the fall!  Happy Summer!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Hallelujah!!!!!!!

We got the final chromosomal test results today and...


normal. normal. normal. normal. normal!!!


This does not mean that there is no risk that we could have another baby with abnormalities like little Matthew, but it does mean that it is very unlikely - that it was just a "fluke" (in medical terms).

I don't believe in flukes, but believe that God allowed everything in Matthew's short life for a reason, and know his life was not an accident or a mistake.  I know it could happen again if God allowed, but I have a peace about the future. 

We are rejoicing today!  Thank you for your prayers.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Come and listen

Heard this song on the way to work this morning when my music was turned way down.  As soon as I heard it come on, I turned up the radio....listen to these beautiful lyrics


My favorite line?  "Let me tell you what He has done for me...He has done for you...He has done for us."

Let me tell you what he has done for YOU, and he would have done only for you if you were the only person on earth.  Jesus came, lived a PERFECT life.  Why?  Becuase if he didn't, we would be separated from God forever.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  Romans 3:23

You.  Me.  Us.  For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  The bible teaches that there is no way to earn our way to heaven.  We're born sinners.  We're under a curse.  We are eternally separated from God.  That means everything good and pure, everything that brings joy and gives us hope, everything that puts a smile on our face and warms our heart.  It is all from God and we are separated from that.  We can't earn our way back.  There is no amount of good deeds, no amount of giving, no amount of times you can go to church that can get you back into a relationship with God. Nothing.

"For the wages of sin is death..." Romans 6:23

BUT....listen.  Jesus came and lived this perfect life.  The son of God came and he died.  Why?  He came so that we might have life in him.  How?  He paid the penalty of sin for us so that we can be right with God again.

"...but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus."  Romans 6:23

I don't understand it all.  I don't understand God's love or all the things in the bible.  I still have questions and want to know "why this", or "why that", but I can tell you that my life has been changed by this simple truth. 

"If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you shall be saved." Romans 10:9

I want this for each of you.  If you haven't yet, and you feel your heart stirring, surrender to God.  You don't need to wait until you have it all figured out.  Then start reading your bible.  Read Proverbs or start with one of the first four books of the New Testament.  God has a lot of really awesome things to say and teach you.  He loves you so much.






Thursday, May 17, 2012

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Academic Vocabulary

That is what we call our student's vocabulary notebooks in first and second grade.

When we received Matthew's first diagnosis back in October, I immediately tried to find blogs of families who had children with the same diagnosis.  I enjoyed reading their stories, and was always encouraged to know I wasn't alone.

I hope that someone finds my blog someday as they travel a similar journey, and my heart is that they would be encouraged by the hope we've found in choosing to believe that God is who he says he is, even when the storms come. 

So, in an effort to be found in a google search, I'm going to throw around a few (probably) new vocabulary words for you to put in your academic vocabulary notebooks :) 

Matthew was first diagnosed with a neural tube disorder called encephaloceles.  His neural tubes didn't fuse completely and consequently, they leaked spinal/cranial fluid and brain tissue in the back of his neck.  This is a very, very rare complication that happens in something like 1 in 5,000 pregnancies.  The chances of survival to birth are extremely slim, and much less after birth.  Matthew's encephalocele continued to grow as he did. 

During the second trimester, we found out that I no longer had any amniotic fluid.  Apparently, the baby takes over that job after the first trimester, and for some reason, Matthew couldn't do it.  During ultrasounds, the technicians and doctors could hardly make out where his head was because they couldn't see anything without the fluid (it creates contrast).  Little buddy was all squished in there with no room to move.  Babies need amniotic fluid to develop many of their organs.  They swallow it to develop their lungs and it moves through their digestive system to practice those functions.  Our little fighter couldn't do any of that, so he had several organs that were under-developed.

The second major diagnosis Matthew had is called arthrogryposis (also very rare- about 1 in 3,000 births).  A mild case of arthrogryposis is club foot.  Matthew's was all over his body.  His little joints and muscles were not formed normally.  Sometimes arthrogryposis can happen because of low amniotic fluid, and sometimes it can happen for other medical reasons.  We don't know why Matthew got it, but his sweet little body was severely affected by it.

With all of these complications, Matthew was not expected to survive until (and especially through) birth.  His umbilical cord was the only reason he was surviving.  But being the super dude he was, he pretty much destroyed all odds and survived not only through delivery, but for an HOUR!  You better believe we are proud parents!

We think that is a miracle and a blessing.  Although his eyes never opened and he never took a breath (that we know of), we are so thankful that we know he heard our voices and felt our touch at least for a moment. 

Doctors think he probably also had a chromosomal abnormality, but we're still waiting on those test results.  Keep praying.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Four

Happy four week birthday, little love! 

I can't believe I was holding you four weeks ago, but thankful that means four weeks closer to holding you again!!




You probably missed these

I haven't posted a song in a while!  Here's another good one:


Believing that today...nothing is wasted.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

"...and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor."
Isaiah 61:3

Monday, May 14, 2012

Love

“This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience - it looks for a way of being constructive.
Love is not possessive.
Love is not anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own ideas.
Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage.
Love is not touchy.
Love does not keep account of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad with all good men when truth prevails.
Love knows no limits to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that stands when all else has fallen.”

- Elisabeth Elliot, "Let Me Be a Woman"

I'm going to write more about what Elisabeth Elliot has to say about the possessiveness of love, but I have to wait until I can find my book.  Is it at your house, cz?

I am tempted to be possessive with Matthew.  But God gave him, and then he took him back.  Matthew's short life on earth is complete in God's eyes.  He was not jipped (is that how you spell that word?) and although it may feel this way, Ryan and I were not jipped.  I have been called to love, but not cling.  How in the world do you do that? 

I'm not quite sure, but what I do know is that it has something to do with opening my hands and offering back all that God has given me.  Enjoying what I've been given for however long I get to have it for...and then letting go.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

Ryan and I had to make a lot of choices as Matthew's complications evolved throughout the months.  We could choose to let this trial destroy us or refine us.  We could choose to fear or to trust in God's promises.  We could choose to be embittered or softened. 

Honestly, I had to choose EACH DAY, and sometimes many, many times a day to believe that God was (is) for me.   That's ok.  There were days where I would really struggle with fear.  Fear of what life was going to be like if Matthew lived, fear of what grieving would feel like, fear of future pregnancies, etc.  I would "cast" those fears on the Lord, feel ok for a few minutes seconds, and then felt like I was carrying the fear all over again. 

There were days where I felt exhausted from casting, casting, casting those fears over and over and over again.  But that's ok.  He always met me where I was and it got easier as the days went on and I kept praying verses I had memorized as soon as I felt afraid:

"He is not afraid of bad news;
his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.His heart is steady; he will not be afraid,
until he looks in triumph on his foes."
Psalm 112:7






Little cutie pie


Thursday, May 10, 2012

Snip, snip, snip

I feel like my life is a little collage right now.  I read something, whether in the bible, or the various books that I'm reading, and something sticks out, so then I, metaphorically, cut it out and paste it in my heart.  Cut. Paste. Cut. Paste.  Sometimes I have my students make collages of various things they are learning about.  They love to find pictures and words, cut them out, and glue them on paper.  Some of them are more meticulous in their approach, c a r e f u l l y  cutting out each picture and v e r y  carefully arranging them on their papers, and others have a more...well, let's say "raw" approach.  Either way, the objective is met - they show what they have learned or what they know. 

I don't feel incredibly inspired (nor do I trust myself) to think on my own right now, so the thoughts of others have been the expression of my heart.  This morning, I was reading in that amazing Streams in the Desert book I was given (the reading for May 10th).  It was one of those days that I needed to "cut and paste" on my heart:

"What do you do when you are about to faint physically?  You cannot do anything.  You cease from your own doings.  In your faintness, you fall upon the shoulder of some strong loved one.  You lean hard.  You rest.  You lie still and trust.

It is so when we are being tempted to faint under affliction.  God's message is not, "Be strong and of good courage," for He knows our strength and our courage have fled away.  But it is that sweet word, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)...

And that is all God asks of you, His dear child, when you grow faint in the fierce fires of affliction.  Do not try to be strong. Just be still and know that He is God, and will sustain you, and bring you through."

"God keeps His choicest cordials for our deepest faintings"

Stay firm, He has not failed thee
In all the past,
And will He go and leave thee
To sink at last?
Nay, He said He will hide thee
Beneath His wing;
And sweetly there in safety
Thou mayest sing.
- Selected

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Missing you

Mama misses you lots today, precious boy.  I got to write your name last week on a form I was filling out and it filled my heart with joy.  I wish I had a reason to write it a million more times, but I'll treasure each time I do. 

Matthew James, you have lit up my life and I'll never be the same.  I'm looking forward to the day when I get to see you, hold you, kiss your sweet face, and hear all about you, but until then, just know that I loved loving you for the time I was blessed to have you here.

As I was missing you today, I thought I'd go back and read a couple things that rd's and hz's mom wrote to you/about you:

A letter to you before we knew you were a boy!

Your birth announcement

And one more on your week birthday

I love you, son...can't wait to see you again.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Chicken nuggets and malts

The week following Matthew's arrival was one of the sweetest weeks of our marriage thus far.  Ryan and I were both home, and we were able to mentally check out from work.  We had no agenda, nothing pressing we needed to get done and all sorts of time to just hang out.  We laughed a ton, went on slow walks around Target while I held on to the cart, enjoyed visits from friends, and fell deeper in love and appreciation of one another (I know, kind of sappy).  We were grieving, but in a way, we were also finding our feet again after so many months of wondering and waiting on God's final answer to our prayers.

This last Sunday evening, we came home from a great weekend up north at Ryan's family resort, and Ryan popped some chicken nuggets in the oven to accompany our left-over soup.  We cuddled up in bed with our dinner to watch an episode of our new favorite show, "Jockeys".  When the show started, I got a little lump in my throat as I started reflecting on one of the nights from that first week back from the hospital. 

A few days after Matthew was born, Ryan took me to this park that he had been running at with a friend.  We slowly made our way around the park, enjoying the still, cool air, holding hands and talking about the last year.  When we got in the car after our walk, Ryan asked what we were going to have for dinner.  Neither of us could think of anything that sounded good, except randomly, chicken nuggets and chocolate malts....so, we went to Target and bought some chicken nuggets and malt powder.  That night, we cuddled up in bed with our nuggets and malts and watched some show on Netflix.  (Note: We normally do not eat dinner in bed...hahaha..)

So this last Sunday, when we were eating our nuggets and soup, I thought about that night a couple weeks ago, and tears started welling in my eyes.  That week was so hard, but so precious in so many ways.  The love and respect I have for my husband is so much more rich than ever before.  Just another blessing that has come from Matthew's short life. 

PS.  We are not chicken nugget connoisseurs, but in case you are interested, we were disappointed with Target's nugget selection.  We've only bought chicken nuggets twice in our marriage, but Costco, hands down, has the best.  :)


Saturday, May 5, 2012

Happy Birthday, Pops!!!!

Today is my daddio's birthday.  Happy birthday, dad!  He loves that his birthday is on Cinco de Mayo.  My dad has always wanted to have a latino name.  His favorite is Raul Badeluco (sp???).  He is an amazing cook, he makes us laugh more than anyone in the family, he is a super biker, he loves us endlessly, is a and is a fearless provider.  I have so much respect for him and can't wait to see him love on our children someday (and probably spoil them!).  I love you, dad, and I know if Matthew were still here, he would say, "Love you, Pops!"

Look at this coolio...





Friday, May 4, 2012

Rock stars

I have a lot of rock star friends.  One of them happens to be my neighbor at work (school).  Jessica is one of a kind.  She is a gem.  (Side note:her and her husband took the photo in the header - told you they were rock stars).  From my first day on the job, she has been an outstanding friend to me.

She brought me a homemade cappuccino nearly every day this year, written me countless little encouraging notes and verses, and been the coordinator of all sorts of surprises since Matthew's birth.  She has knit me, not one, but TWO, little scarves, and  she gave me a little "sunshine" gift on my first day back this week of Lemon Heads, Raisenettes (woo!), and mandarine orange sparkling water from Trader Joe's (my fav).  She has prayed for Ryan and I faithfully, and just loved us to pieces.  Thanks, Jess (and Justin).  I have the tune, "Won't you be my neighbor?" in my head right now...haha.  Oh, Mr. Rogers...

Well, this morning, she put a little flat stone on my desk and it had this awesome verse on it:

"I call as my heart grows faint;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
Psalm 61:2

I carried it in my back pocket today and everytime I sat down, I was startled by the little lump in my pocket, then remembered the verse and thought about how thankful that my feet are planted on a solid rock (God's promises) and that although there have been moments in the last several months that my heart has been "faint", it really isn't right now.  There are moments of certain days that it feels that way, but for the most part, my heart feels pretty encouraged.  Thanks for all of you who have prayed for that.  Your prayers are not in vain.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Lapidary

I went back to work today....whew!  I'm tired, but my day was full of sweet surprises and hugs from both kids and wonderful co-workers.  One of my students gave me about a million hugs today.  I love hugs from children.  I also love how excited kids get to give you gifts they picked out. 

One of my students was literally jumping up and down as I opened the gift they had chosen for me.  It was the novel, "Secret Garden", and this little basil plant.  Another student informed me that they wanted to make sure that I knew that they had "spent 50 of the points they earned at church for that (a magnetic notepad)".  Hahaha...I laughed out loud.  I was told to leave the room at one point, and when I came back, they had all hidden and jumped out, yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" and flooded over to give me this book they had all drawn and written in.  The back of the book ,"Happy Holidays!" 

Oh, the joys of teaching young kids...I may try to take pictures of some of the cards and post them at some point. 

A co-worker of mine gave me this amazing book called "Streams in the Desert".  I have read quotes from the book (and posted one or two) in other books, but have never seen an actual copy of the book.  The coolest part is that it is the actual book that her family has passed around during seasons of heartache.  She told me to read April 17th's entry (Matthew's birthday).  I want to share a little from that day's writing (it is long, but SO worth reading):

"The hand of the Lord have wrought this." Job 12:9

Several years ago, there was found in an African mine the most magnificent diamond in the world's history.  It was presented to the King of England to blaze in his crown of state.  The King sent it to Amsterdam to be cut.  It was put into the hands of an expert lapidary.  And what do you suppose he did with it?

He took the gem of priceless value, and cut a notch in it.  Then he struck it a hard blow with his instrument, and lo!  the superb jewel lay in his hand cleft in twain.  What recklessness!  what wastefulness!  what criminal carelessness!

Not so.  For days and weeks that blow had been studied and planned.  Drawings and models had been made of the gem.  Its quality, its defects, its lines of cleavage had all been studied with the minutest care.  The man to whom it was committed was one of the most skillful lapidaries in the world. 

Do you say that blow was a mistake?  Nay.  It was the climax of the lapidary's skill.  When he struck that blow, he did the one thing which would bring that gem to its most perfect shapeliness, radiance, and jewelled splendor.  That blow which seemed to ruin the superb precious stone was, in fact, its perfect redemption...

So, sometimes, God lets a stinging blow fall upon your life.  The blood spurts.  The nerves wince.  The soul cries out in agony.  The blow seems to you an appalling mistake.  But it is not, for you are the most priceless jewel in the world to God.  And He is the most skillful lapidary in the universe.

...As you lie in His hand now He knows just how to deal with you.  Not a blow will be permitted to fall upon your shrinking soul but that the love of God permits it, and works out from its depths, blessing and spiritual enrichment unseen, and unthought of by you....

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Birthdays are fun

Last night, we had a few friends over to celebrate my sweet husband's life.  Ryan is an amazing husband, friend, and now dad.  I don't think I ever imagined how much I would grow to love, admire and respect him.  We had fun eating good food, laughing, and sharing life.  Ryan enjoyed tickling and getting the kids all worked up. 

Below is a picture of our fancy seating arrangement.  Ry and I only have five chairs, so whenever we have more people than chairs, we improvise or borrow chairs.  Last night, we decided to go plush and pulled over a couch.  The couch sits pretty low, so we put more cushions on it, but all the men were still sitting pretty low once they sat down.  We all got a good laugh out of it, and they enjoyed their cushy seats...


We are so thankful for amazing friends. 

Happy birthday (yesterday), love!

Tomorrow, I'm going back to work.  I'm looking forward to seeing all those sweet kiddos! 

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Keep praying

On Friday evening, I got a call from my midwife, who had the results of the second genetic test.  Matthew's blood and my placenta came back normal.  Again, I was shocked.  There is one more test that will be conducted.  It was just developed a couple years ago and it is some "micro-analysis", which I would assume means pretty detailed.  

Please keep praying that if Matthew ends up having any type of chromosomal abnormality, that it doesn't show up in Ryan or my blood.  Still struggling with fear...

Ryan and I had a good weekend.  A couple of dear friends from Wisconsin came to visit with their four-month-old son.  He is so squishy and wonderful.  I loved it.  It is therapy for my heart to be able to hold babies. 

We also drove around to look at houses!  We've been trying to figure out what we want to do for over a year (where to buy, what to buy, etc.) and we have a better idea now, so it's fun (and exhausting) to look more seriously.  Ryan is incredibly handy, so he wants a fixer-upper.  I love that idea, but we have found that "fixer-upper" means something different to both of us!  To him, he wants to be able to re-do almost everything.  I want a house that needs some new paint, carpet, windows, and landscaping.  Herein lies the problem :)  He's an incredible husband though, and I trust him. 

Speaking of my incredible husband, tomorrow is his birthday!!!  I'm so excited to celebrate him.  So, if you know him, and you wanted to, I know he'd be blessed if you wanted to call him, or send him a quick e-mail or text tomorrow to say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!".

Look at this stud...






Friday, April 27, 2012

The simple truth

One of my most beautiful, dearest, amazing friends, Katie, sent me Kari Jobe's CD last week.  She listened to a previous album throughout her pregnancy with her sweet daughter, and I listened to many of the songs from the current album during mine.

I was reading her acknowledgements, and wanted to share with you the beautiful way that she shared the simple truth of the gospel.  The bible teaches us that we have all sinned and fall short of God's standards (Romans 3:23).  Because of that, we are separated from him...his blessings, his joy, hope, life eternally.  HOWEVER, God has made a way to be right with him through Jesus.  We can't earn salvation through doing good, or being good...it will never be "enough".  We're tainted and cannot stand in the presence of glory.  So, if you believe that, and want to be certain that you'll be with God for eternity, read below what Kari Jobe closed her album cover with:

"One more thing...if you don't know Him or haven't surrendered your heart, open up to Him.  He changes everything.  Let your heart speak these words: Jesus, I surrender.  I let go of my own life and ask you to take control.  Be my God and my Savior.  I believe you died on the cross for me, to give me life and to show me love.  Teach me and direct me.  Thank you Jesus.  Amen."

This simple truth - that we are sinners in need of a Savior, and now we are saved through Jesus - is how Ryan and I have made it through this trial.  We've had something to look forward to and something to put our hope in.  We don't dwell in our sorrow, but CHOOSE to believe that out of these ashes, God is making something beautiful.  And we delight in that.  The gospel doesn't take away pain.  It doesn't wash away the heart ache, but it does tell us that all of this is not in vain. 

I know I'm a little song crazy, but music helps me express my heart, so here's another song...the song I actually sang to Matthew before (or maybe when) he passed away:

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I love this quote...and a prayer request

In the months leading up to Matthew's birthday, I literally read this book almost every day.  The book is broken down into chapters on different struggles in life with collections of verses to pray through.  I read through the "Overcoming Despair" chapter countless times.  There is a quote in the chapter and it says this:

"Thou, O Lord, canst transform my thorn into a flower.  And I want my thorn transformed into a flower.  Job got the sunshine after the rain, but has the rain been all a waste?  Job wants to know, I want to know, if the shower had nothing to do with the shining.  And Thou canst tell me - Thy cross can tell me.  Thou hast crowned Thy sorrow.  Be this my crown, O Lord. I only triumph in Thee when I have learned the radiance of the rain." (George Matheson, Streams in the Desert)


Sweet, right?  And this prayer...

Lord, in my heart I plan my course, but You determine my steps. (Prov. 16:9) Life is not going as I planned.  I am so grateful that You are not caught off guard.  You knew everything that would befall me.  Please direct my steps as you determine.  I need You, Lord.  Carry me when I cannot walk.   


And lastly, Ryan and my greatest prayer request for those of you who would like to partner in prayer with us:

We are having some testing done to see if Matthew had any chromosomal abnormalities.  We already know he did not have Trisomy 13, 18, or 21 (the most common abnormalities), so further tests are being done.  Please pray that whatever is found in Matthew's blood is not found in ours. 

More likely than not, everything Matthew had was just a one-time thing that God allowed, but it may not be.  I fear finding out that there's a chance this could happen again so I have to just keep casting, casting, casting on the Lord and trusting that he is for us - not against us. 


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Green thumb?

No...not really.  I probably will never have a green thumb.  I forget to water plants until they are wilty and I don't know a whole lot about them (although both my mother and mother-in-law are AMAZING gardeners who, I'm sure, would love to teach me).  However, today, I looked at my little window box with the woody, dried-up stems from last year's herbs, and decided that it needed a little "sprucing up". 

After play time with rd, hz and their mama's on Sebastian Joe's (best ice cream) patio, a walk around Linden Hills, and a large sample of Great Harvest bread, I went to the cutest flower shop and got some annuals for our window box.  All you flower people out there, don't judge - I just picked what I thought was pretty, not what necessarily went together.  I got beautiful deep purple pansies, lavender impatiens, and a hot reddish-pink begonia.  It really is WAY too many plants for my little flower box, but I wanted it to look pretty right away, so I'll figure out how to thin them out as I go. 



Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Cut-and-paste

I recognize that there are a lot of people who check here to see how we're doing.  So today, I'm going to do a little cut-and-paste of e-mails I've sent recently.

Ryan and I are doing well.  The last couple days, my tears have flowed much more freely.  Yesterday, his ashes were ready and it just hit me so hard...I'll never hold my sweet boy on this earth again.  Gosh...that's a hard reality. 

Today is Matthew's one week birthday and my heart just aches.  I don't like that it has already been a week.  I don't like that time keeps separating our moments with him more and more.  I just want to cling to it all....and then I realize that I really have no control. 

I told a friend today that I find myself wanting to hold back my emotions becuase it feels better than the pain, but God just keeps gently whispering to my heart, "Give it all to me...give it all to me".  The pain, the questions, the tears, the fears...all of it.  He can take it.  A really special lady sent me a really, really awesome devotional called "Jesus Calling" and it was written by a woman who wrote down what she believed God was speaking to her.  Today, I read this:

"Peace is My continual gift to you.  It flows abundantly...just as the Israelites could not store up manna for the future but had to gather it daily, so it is with My peace.  The day-by-day collecting of manna kept My people aware of their dependence on Me.  Similararly, I give you sufficient peace for the present, when you come to me by prayer, petition with thanksgiving.  If I gave you permanent peace, independent of My presence, you might fall into the trap of self sufficiency."
(Based off Exodus 16:14-20, Philippeans 4:6-7,19; Hebrews 4:16)

God is so good.  He knows what I need and is GOOD to only give me what I need so I keep coming back, and coming back, and coming back.  It is one of those mysteries about God that I can feel such pain, but such joy and peace simultaneously.  Never will I understand it.  God knows best.  I believe that and even when I question his ways and think I might have a better idea, I'm going to choose to believe that.  God knows best.

 I just have to keep weaving, weaving, weaving God's word into my heart...I encourage any of you readers to do the same.  That way, when the storms of life come, you're ready. 

Thank you, again (and I'll probably repeat this one hundred times), to those of you who have showered us with love through cards, e-mails, gifts, prayers and your tears.  We don't overlook any of it.

Look at these cutie feet and hands...hahahaha.  We laugh every time we look at Matthew's hand prints.  It was the best Ryan and the nurse could do, but we think it looks like Matthew tried to do it himself.  Oh, little love...


Monday, April 23, 2012

Today, I just want to go through labor all over again so I can hold Matthew just one more time.  My heart hurts today and I wish this all didn't happen, but I really still rejoice in Gods PERFECT plan for my life. 

"For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11


...and a song that expresses my heart beautifully (thank you Mrs. K for sending it my way)

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Labor Day

I've been asked how long my labor was multiple times in the last several days, so I thought I'd share the story.

Saturday evening, Ryan and I went to bed around 10:00 (we're not night owls....at all).  I woke up around 11:30 with contractions and couldn't fall back asleep.  They were about 12 minutes apart to start, and worked their way down to about eight minutes apart.  I tossed and turned in bed until four, and then went out to the couch so Ry could get some sleep in case this was the real thing.  By six or seven in the morning, the contractions subsided, so I thought it was probably false labor.  Exhausted, we stayed home from church, took a nap that afternoon, and enjoyed a walk around Lake Harriet later that day.  I had sporadic contractions all day, but nothing regular. 

Sunday night, we went to bed around ten, and I woke up around 11:30 with a whole new kind of contractions.  The others hurt, but I was able to stay in bed for them.  These contractions were not the lay-down kind.  I paced the apartment, took a bath, drank a small glass of wine, took a shower, paced the apartment....you get the point.  I was in labor (or so I thought).  By about three in the morning, the contractions had been about five minutes apart for over an hour and Ryan had gotten up and dressed.  We packed our bags, called into our work places, and were ready to call our midwife to see what we should do. 

Well....then the contractions started to spread out again, and although they were progressively becoming more intense, they were less and less predictable.  I was pretty bummed...and confused.  I called the midwife and asked what was happening.  She said that I was probably experiencing something called "prodromal labor".  From my understanding, it's kind of a step-up from false labor, and a step-down from real labor.  I was probably dilating, but a characteristic of prodromal labor is that it can subside and then come back later that day or even a couple days later.  She told us to get rest when we could and to call back if the contractions pick up again.   I hardly had any contractions through the morning and we were able to sleep for an hour or so. 

Ryan and I enjoyed the day off, taking walks all over and preparing our hearts for what we were certain was going to happen very soon...saying goodbye to our little love.  I treasure that time that God gave us together on Monday. 

I had a scheduled appointment with my midwife at four on Monday.  Before we went to that appointment, we took one last walk around the Galleria.  I started having regular contractions at the Galleria.  I told Ryan that if a woman ever wanted to stay sane during labor, to do it at a mall because you have to stay calm.  Seriously though...probably not the best place to be haha.

We found out I was dilated to 6 cm. at my appointment and that I was definitely in labor and could be admitted.  We chose to go home since I thought we still had tons of time (considering how long it took so far).  Ryan and I had big plans of taking showers, watching a movie, and maybe even eating dinner.  We hardly had time for showers.  Shortly after we got home, my contractions started to be around 3 minutes apart and we made our way to the hospital sometime between 7:00 and 7:30. 

When we got to the hospital, I had to put that awful hospital gown on (I texted my mom and my friend Katie that I wished I would have brought a belt...it would have made the gown much more flattering)!  Labor progressed pretty quickly.  I'll fast-forward to midnight when I started pushing.  I was totally wiped out, and I remember looking at the clock thinking how I had read that pushing can take between 5 minutes and 3 hours.  I was terrified I would have to push for three hours.  God knew I didn't have it in me and thankfully, Matthew was out in about 15 minutes.  Hallelujah!

The nurses put him right on my chest and that was, by far, one of the most joyful moments of my life.  I thought I would cry, but I didn't.  I just grinned from ear to ear.  I loved feeling his weight on my chest and taking in all his sweet features.  I looked at Ryan, and I could tell that all these last nine months had just hit him....he was a dad and he had a son.  He had his head in his hands and was just weeping.  Never has my husband looked more handsome than the moment he held our little boy.  He looked so strong and brave. 

It took the midwife and nurses quite a while to do all the post-birth stuff, so although it felt like minutes, it was probably a good half hour to 45 minutes before our families came in.  I sang the song, "Beauty for Ashes" to Matthew while the nurse went to get our family.  I like to think that maybe he passed away during that time, but I don't know for sure. 

The next couple hours we spent with our families and a few friends.  After they left, we just sat, enamored by our son for a while until our sleep deprivation hit us.  We got a few hours of sleep that morning, a couple visitors, and then we left for home around noon after we said goodbye to Matthew.  We prayed over him and everything in my mothers heart just wanted to stay there forever and protect him, but eventually, we kissed him goodbye.

As we drove home, I just kept thinking, "Did this all just happen?  Was I just pregnant?  Did I just have a baby?  Did we just say goodbye to our son?"  It was so surreal.  Ryan and I are doing well though.  We have had so much time to grieve in these last months that it was all more natural than we would have imagined.  We obviously miss Matthew and we'll have a little ache in our hearts forever, but we still believe that God is for us and that his plans for us our good.

A couple pictures to end this post - this is an awesome Edible Arrangement that we received from a couple that I have cleaned for for years and years.  It's all gone already :)  Please note my husbands cheesy smile and stature...hahahaha.  I love him.