One Year

Sweetest baby boy,

I've tried to go to sleep tonight, but I just can't stop thinking about how in less than two hours, it will have been a year since I got to meet you, and then another hour until we said goodbye.  My arms feel especially empty tonight.

Man, little buddy, I never knew love could hurt so much.  I've tried to wrap my head around what this day would hold, as I've been anticipating it for weeks.  It brings me so much joy, and so, so much heartache, to remember this night one year ago.

I remember my first contractions when I was on a walk around French Park while your daddy was painting at nana and papi's.  I didn't really think you were coming, but it was a new kind of pain that made me wonder what was going on.  That night, I tossed and turned with contractions and thought MAYBE this was it, but you weren't ready yet.

Daddy and I walked, and walked, and walked that Sunday trying to speed up my labor so we could finally hold you.  You still didn't come, but kept mama up all night again with more contractions and that's when I knew it would be soon.  Monday, we both took the day off of work, only to find out later that a vast army of prayer warriors met at school to pray for us.  We are so blessed, Matthew.

We walked more on Monday, around Lake Harriet, and then to the Galleria where I tried really hard not to let on to the other shoppers that I was well in to labor.  We found out just an hour later that I was already dilated to 6 cm but decided to wait to go to the hospital.

You came a handful of hours after we arrived at the hospital, and I was so surprised you were a BOY!  Of course you were a boy, though.  My little warrior.  You are such a fighter, son.  I will never, ever forget the incredible amount of joy we experienced when we got to hold you in our arms.  Your skin was so sweet and soft and your cutest little squished nose melted my heart.  You had blonde hair and were just the most handsome little man.  I couldn't stop smiling, and daddy wept (I did my fair share of that later).

You had a whole waiting room full of visitors anxiously waiting to meet you.  I sang to you while the nurse went to get them and then everyone cuddled you.  We're not exactly sure when you let go and entered Heaven's gates, but you can be sure you were covered with love in that moment.

We miss you terribly, son.  Your first birthday will probably be the most painful.  I wish it weren't already a year since I got to cuddle with you, but I suppose it is a year closer to the day we see you again.

Your new little brother or sister is about 6 months along now, and you can be sure that we will tell them all about your life and the way God used it to draw others to Him.  We're so proud of you, little buddy.

Happy birthday, Matthew!  I love you with all my heart.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for The Lord has been good to you.

Psalm 116:7