My friend, Jessica, just sent me this song. It's sweet, so I thought I'd share it.
By the way, doesn't this guy hold his guitar cool???
Well I feel a warm wind blowin' Melting all the sadness off of my soul and I smell the sweet cherry blossoms pouring all their gladness, into my soul
In winter I believe you In springtime I see you It's so good to be with you my hope has come Lord you make all things new Your love is my breakthrough Now I sing Hallelujah my hope has come
Well I've walked through the valley of the shadow And I have been tested like silver and gold Lord your faith has taught me to cherish that this light affliction is not my home
I'm not gonna give in to this mortal frustration And I'm not gonna give death any standing ovation I will lift my soul God, with no hesitation because between you and be there's no separation
As life continues to throw curve balls at Ryan and I, we are tempted to begin believing that God is just plain mean. That he is against us and that our life is a joke.
This week our hearts were heavy with pain and questioning and as Ryan and I wrestled with God, and as I said "God, I'm not sure how much more I can take, I need something from you....a glimpse of your heart", God did just that.
During my drive home one day, I was reminded of a story I read in the book, The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom (a must-read). She and her father were riding a train one day and she asked her father a question: "Father, what is sexsin?" He turned to look at me (Corrie), as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case off the floor and set it on the floor. Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?" he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning. It's too heavy," I said. Yes," he said, "and it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”
I mulled over this story and the turbulence in my heart began to calm as I thought of my heavenly Father, in heaven, working out all things in my life for good (He promises this to those who love him). I pictured him, with tears in his eyes and pain in his own heart, whispering "I love you...I love you...I love you" as he allows what he knows hurts me to the core. He knows what I do not and can see what I cannot.
I told Ryan that I imagined a parent saying no to their child asking to do something that they really wanted to do. The child doesn't see any reason why their parents are saying no. The parent is saying no because they know something the child doesn't (a surprise party!). The child could grow bitter, or trust their parent's heart toward them.
I said to Ryan, "I would be pretty embarrassed if I were that child and I had grown bitter and then showed up to an amazing party."
So, we're choosing to trust that God is withholding from us because he has something better in mind. Although our hearts are heavy and burdened, our joy cannot be taken away.
Ryan and I celebrated our three year anniversary last week. I cannot put into words what an amazing husband and friend Ryan has been to me. I am so so thankful and blessed. We're looking forward to our fourth year!
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We now have two sweet babies in heaven. A few weeks ago our second baby was whisked away early in our pregnancy. Our hearts were broken.
"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." C.S. Lewis
Do you ever feel like that, believer? I find myself almost afraid to ask God for the desires of my heart because I'm afraid of more pain...more disappointment. These verses help me:
"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12
"Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy." Psalm 126:5
We're looking forward to our "shouts of joy". Most days I am doing pretty good, but I have moments that it just plain hurts and then a few minutes later I'll be totally fine again.
I imagine the day that I get to hold my sweet babies and cuddle them longer than they would ever want. Sometimes I look in my rearview mirror while I'm driving and wish I had two little carseats back there with my babies in them. I told Ryan that we better not loose any more babies because I can't fit anymore imaginary carseats in my car. :)
God is working on my heart. It is softening and my faith is growing. I know God loves me and is for me.
"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not percieve it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19
My sweet friend, Katie, recommended a book to me (that I now recommend to you!). It is called Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. Her husband is Steven Curtis Chapman, and they lost their little girl, Maria, after she accidentally got hit by a car. She's very real, very honest, and very insightful on dealing with heartache. If you are going through something really hard, take a couple nights and read through this book. I think it will encourage you.
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We are already almost one month into school! I am completely exhausted at the end of every day (I teach first grade), but I usually come home with some great stories for Ryan. Right now we're working on NOT getting stuck inside our lockers. I also taught the kids that the earth orbits the sun once every year. I asked them how many times they have orbited the sun in their life (six or seven), then I asked them how many times they thought I have orbited the sun in my life. "EIGHTY!!!" was the first thing someone guessed.
Ryan and I visited some sweet friends and their little girl this weekend, and while visiting their church on Sunday, I was incredibly touched by a video that was played that told the story of the man who wrote the old hymn, "It is well with my soul".
So I wanted to share it with you...
If you are in the midst of a trial, a burden, something painful and hard to understand, a situation beyond what you can handle, or even if your life is going just as you planned, I think you'll be moved by this story. I hope that it encourages you to press deeper into the shelter of God's love and grace.
I couldn't locate the actual video I saw, but this one will do the trick.
Before Matthew was born, I found this picture of a necklace made of a baby's fingerprint and my heart was sold on having one made with Matthew's fingerprint.
We found a jeweler and they told us to get some non-drying clay (Sculpy) and get his print after he was born. They would cast a mold from the clay and made the pendant out of gold.
Matthews little fingers were so so tiny that no one would ever know that my pendant is of a fingerprint, but it is so so precious and I can't wait to wear it every day when it is done next week (picture of my necklace to come).
Here is a picture of Ry trying to get his fingerprint. Focused.
Today is my little honey bun's three-month birthday. Happy birthday, son! Your daddy and I love you so much and can't wait to cuddle you again. We are still completely enamored by you!
God continues to amaze us by extending more grace and peace to us than is comprehensible. All glory to God for the way we have been able to walk through this past year without falling apart. Without Him, we would be a wreck, full of pain and fear of loosing another child in the future.
Ryan and I were reflecting on my pregnancy with Matthew yesterday. My first craving was chocolate donuts, then Chipotle, then hard boiled eggs. Eventually, it was all protien and fruit. All I wanted was meat (and a side of grapes).
I was remembering the first time I felt Matthew move. I was 17 weeks pregnant (exactly) and sitting at my desk as the sun was rising. I felt this bubbly/popcorn-popping feeling and nearly jumped off my chair. I walked around and felt it again and my heart swelled when I realized that I was probably feeling our sweet baby move (something that doctors didn't know if I would ever experience). Our God is able.
I think it was February when we went cross country skiing up north with Ryan's family. By this time, Matthew's head had been lodged in my pelvis for weeks. It was pretty painful, but I was still able to do most things. I skiied for a while and the pain became fairly intense. By the end of the run, I was nearly in tears and had a hard time walking/sitting/standing. I was in so much pain, I told Ryan that I thought he needed to shake me upside-down to try and loosen Matthew's head from my pelvis. I was joking, but Ryan said we should try. So (and I'm not joking), Ry picked me up by my ankles and shook me. We were laughing so hard, he probably almost dropped me. It didn't work, but it was a great memory...
Sometimes I get the question, "Was it hard to be pregnant for so long knowing your baby was going to die?" Yes. There were times when I wished God would just take our baby home sooner rather than later, but I am so thankful he didn't. I cherish the time we had and am sooo thankful we got to meet Matthew alive.
We know he is whole now, and without pain or deformity. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
As unrelated as it is, every time I hear this song, it makes me think of Matthew. Most days my heart doesn't ache - I just miss him and can't wait to see him again, but my hearts been a little achy lately. I was laying on my couch yesterday (because I have this weird bug that I just can't kick) and I had a dejavu moment of when the nurse put Matthew on my chest after he was born. That's where I wish he was today (and every day). Sometimes it just kind of stinks that he's not here anymore. I'll never be over him...
On another note, Ry and I are headed up to the lake this weekend to see a whole bunch of extended family, including his family from Norway! We're pumped.
