Cut-and-paste

I recognize that there are a lot of people who check here to see how we're doing.  So today, I'm going to do a little cut-and-paste of e-mails I've sent recently.

Ryan and I are doing well.  The last couple days, my tears have flowed much more freely.  Yesterday, his ashes were ready and it just hit me so hard...I'll never hold my sweet boy on this earth again.  Gosh...that's a hard reality. 

Today is Matthew's one week birthday and my heart just aches.  I don't like that it has already been a week.  I don't like that time keeps separating our moments with him more and more.  I just want to cling to it all....and then I realize that I really have no control. 

I told a friend today that I find myself wanting to hold back my emotions becuase it feels better than the pain, but God just keeps gently whispering to my heart, "Give it all to me...give it all to me".  The pain, the questions, the tears, the fears...all of it.  He can take it.  A really special lady sent me a really, really awesome devotional called "Jesus Calling" and it was written by a woman who wrote down what she believed God was speaking to her.  Today, I read this:

"Peace is My continual gift to you.  It flows abundantly...just as the Israelites could not store up manna for the future but had to gather it daily, so it is with My peace.  The day-by-day collecting of manna kept My people aware of their dependence on Me.  Similararly, I give you sufficient peace for the present, when you come to me by prayer, petition with thanksgiving.  If I gave you permanent peace, independent of My presence, you might fall into the trap of self sufficiency."
(Based off Exodus 16:14-20, Philippeans 4:6-7,19; Hebrews 4:16)

God is so good.  He knows what I need and is GOOD to only give me what I need so I keep coming back, and coming back, and coming back.  It is one of those mysteries about God that I can feel such pain, but such joy and peace simultaneously.  Never will I understand it.  God knows best.  I believe that and even when I question his ways and think I might have a better idea, I'm going to choose to believe that.  God knows best.

 I just have to keep weaving, weaving, weaving God's word into my heart...I encourage any of you readers to do the same.  That way, when the storms of life come, you're ready. 

Thank you, again (and I'll probably repeat this one hundred times), to those of you who have showered us with love through cards, e-mails, gifts, prayers and your tears.  We don't overlook any of it.

Look at these cutie feet and hands...hahahaha.  We laugh every time we look at Matthew's hand prints.  It was the best Ryan and the nurse could do, but we think it looks like Matthew tried to do it himself.  Oh, little love...