August 14th

On August 14, 2011, two little pink lines appeared on a little white stick. I laughed (nervously) and said, "Oh, boy..." Ryan, who was in the other room said, "Are you serious?" We were both a little in shock, thinking this process of becoming parents would take a few more tries. I verified the results that night...and the next morning. Two pink lines was the verdict.

We were anxious, nervous, excited, overwhelmed, and I cried a little bit because my initial reaction wasn't what I always dreamed it would be. I thought I would feel this overwhelming love and joy. Instead, I felt scared and wondered, "Are we really ready for this???"

In retrospect, I don't think I was the only person in the world who ever felt that way. I don't feel weird or like a bad parent. Finding out that God has entrusted you with a little life is a big deal. It's a heavy weight and I felt it right away, but through the upcoming months, I came to understand that God was going to give me all I needed, day by day, to love this little blessing. Even after a few days, I couldn't wait to start spreading the news.

I remember going to my first appointment, wondering all the way if maybe God had blessed us with twins (a dream of mine). When the nurse practitioner started a little bedside ultrasound shortly into my appointment and noticed that my yolk sac (still don't really know what that is) was irregular, she searched around for a while saying she was looking to see if maybe there was another baby in there. My heart was racing in anticipation of finding out that maybe I really was going to have twins! She never found another baby, but said she was concerned about the size of my yolk sac and wanted me to get a real ultrasound in a couple weeks. She reassured me that everything was probably fine since I was healthy and young, but that it would be a good thing to check on.

Three weeks later, I went in for another ultrasound. Ryan came with and we saw our sweet baby's little head and belly and its little legs and arms. The ultrasound tech explained things as she searched around. Our baby was small and the yolk sac still seemed irregular, but we were going to have to wait for a call from our doctor to tell us any findings.

Ryan was on his way home from hunting trip when I got a message from the nurse practitioner that she wanted to speak with me about my ultrasound. My heart was heavy as I could interpret the tone of her voice to mean that something might not be right. When we finally got in touch, she explained that our baby had some indicators of chromosomal abnormalities, and there was swelling in its head and body. She told me that I was going to get a call from perinatology, the doctors who specialize in high risk pregnancies, and that I would be given my "options" so Ryan and I could make the "best choice for our family". This was the first of many times that we were presented directly or indirectly with termination. It made me more sick than the rest of the news.

Ryan and I cried that night....a lot. He felt like all his dreams were dashed and I felt overwhelmed and sick. I felt too young to go through something like this, and I felt ill-equipped to potentially have to raise a child with special needs. This really was not what we had planned. Over the next few days, we both had to surrender our desires and plans to the Lord and God was faithful to give us peace. Ryan expressed some days later that he felt like God was searching his heart (Psalm 139) and he realized that most of his desires were for his own gain....not necessarily things that brought glory to God. I remembered one of my dear friends sharing with me after her miscarriage what God had spoken to her heart about her disappointment. She said, "God reminded me that he never promised me a perfect, healthy family. He never promised me that I would even have kids at all. But he has kept all of his promises." This is a reminder that I have clung to ever since. God has kept ALL his promises. He has not backed down on one of them. Hallelujah.

At 13 weeks, I went in for a regular appointment. The doctor searched around for a heartbeat, to no avail. She tried a little bedside ultrasound and still found no heartbeat. She turned off the machine, folded her hands in her lap, leaned forward and quietly told me that what she was seeing was consistent with a miscarriage. Our baby was gone. I wasn't surprised, because we had been told that we could lose it any time, but my heart ached and I just wanted to get out so I could cry. I listened as she gave me my options - miscarry naturally, take a pill to induce, or a D and C (procedure). I told her I wanted to miscarry naturally. Because I wanted to miscarry naturally, I needed to have another ultrasound to see how long ago the baby died. A woman can only go a few weeks with a lifeless baby before it can become toxic.

I went home feeling sad, but thankful, that this little baby would never have to suffer on earth. Thankful that God, in his mercy, had taken it Home. I held it together pretty good until the middle of the night when I woke up and felt empty. I just wanted to hold and rock and sing to my baby...none of which would ever happen. Ryan woke up and held me and prayed over me until I stopped shaking and could go back to sleep. Never in my life had I hurt so much. There is something about the middle of the night that makes a person very vulnerable to pain.

A few days later, I went to the ultrasound to find out how long I could be left to miscarry, and low and behold, our precious child had a heartbeat. I honestly laughed and just kept asking "Are you serious...Are you sure?" Unbelievable. There were more abnormalities than before, so I had to wait around for the results, but in the meantime, I called Ryan, who also laughed and said, "At this point, nothing really surprises me."

I'll end here shortly and continue another day, but that day, I went to another ultrasound with perinatology and found out the first of our current diagnosis. Our baby has encepheloceles, which is a neural tube disorder. Its neural tubes never fused together completely, so it leaks spinal cranial fluid and brain tissue in the back of its neck.  The doctor also believed it might have a twisted spine becuase its movements seemed involuntary. 

The prognosis continued to evolve over the next several months.  Check back for more of the story another day, but today, I'll leave you with some of the first verses that God gave us to cling to during this time:

"For he will not much remember the days of his life becuase God keeps him occuppied with the joy in his heart."  Ecclesiastes 5:20

"He will ahve no fear of bad news.  His heart is steadfast.  His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes." Psalm 112:7-8

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness.  'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I will hope in Him.'" Lamentations 3:22-24